sinful innocence

human

2008-11-01T17:38:00.002+08:00

humanity has a history of being weak and for the most part of lives living in sin. that's what it is to be human. and i am no exception to it I often find myself fighting a battle with evil and temptation. we all have desires and wants but at times it can get mixed up between what is acceptable and what is wrong. and now i find myself in a situation where i find it uncomfortable. i got myself into a predicament. its a relationship that i do not want. but i got myself in it because of my desires. Now i do not dare face the truth, do not want to admit to the position i am in i want to out but i do not know how to put it. neither do i know what to do but just continue to deceive.

To my dearest Grandpa

2008-06-29T15:41:00.002+08:00

To my dearest Grandpa,

I still can't believe you are no longer here with us. it has been 1 week since you departure but every time i think about it still leaves me in disbelief. Yet facts are you are gone from this world to fulfil the circle of life. You have shown me love that i never reciprocated the way you shown me. You leaving us was sudden however some how in all our hearts we knew it would come one day. We just hoped that it would not have come this soon. So to my dearest Grandpa i hope you find peace
Good Bye........

2008-06-08T20:50:00.002+08:00

Ok I am not really a novelist or anything but just thought of writing a story hah! Haven't done a composition piece for a damn long time since Sec sch haha! so here goes (sure hope there is no Eng teachers reading this mhuahahahahah!)

Chapter 1
He clenches his fists, grits his teeth. His brain is just filled with the word WHY. It was just a simple act but yet he failed to do. He feels the chains around his heart and each time he thinks about it again it feels as if there was another weight added to it. Then he felt a droplet rolling on his cheeks.

"Could it be? Could I really be crying?" He thought to himself.

"No, its just the rain, why would a grown man like me be crying?" His nose flared up as he said that.

Even the skies felt his emotions and felt the need to cry with him as well. Never in his many years had he felt anything like this before. It was something that was new to him, an unfamiliar territory. He felt his existence at that moment was insignificant.

All he could see was just a dot in the distance. She was gone. It was too late to do anything by now, too late to even regret. So he just stood there.

Chapter 2
"RING! RING! RING!" his clumsy hands fumbled through stacks of books looking for his phone. The books came crashing pile by pile as he looked for it. When he finally found it, it had already stopped ringing. Irritated, he looked at the number. It was a number that was familiar to him, just then he had recalled something from the recesses of his mind. He remembered calling that number every week to make an order of a bunch of roses. He wondered why they were calling him, but he just not to call back and went back to sleep.

"DING DONG!" he woke up again. This time grumbling to himself, staggered towards the door. Along the way he looked at the clock, it read 13:00, he had been asleep for an hour. He then looked through the peep-hole, it was a man holding a bouquet of roses. It then dawned on him why the florist was calling him, they were probably wondering if he had forgotten to order from them. So they just delivered a bouquet just in case he did, they were known for their quality service, that is why he ordered from them in the first place.

He opened the door, accepted the flowers and told to delivery man to pass on the message to not send any flowers. He laid down the bouquet on the table and started thinking the previous night's events.

Chapter 3
To be continued.................

blog neglection

2008-05-25T22:49:00.003+08:00

been neglecting my blog for sometime now, hah. coz reali there hasn't been much to say reali.
going army in abt 2 weeks time going to miss my freedom for 2 yrs aft dat. wud probably come out a mindless walking zombie aft dat. hoping not though but who noes? i may come out a genius! yea like dat will ever happen so i guess it pretty much is it. to my frens hu still read this space we muz meet up b4 i go in coz i do not noe when there will be other opportunities in the future.

do drop me a msg when u r done (esp CANDICE I NOE U R READING THIS) the horrible stalker read evryting here n den report bck to chap horrible lah u.

*ps do not stalk me or my blog. there is nth interesting to stalk abt. REALI!*

absent

2008-05-02T23:05:00.002+08:00

been away for sometime now as i haf been either lazy to blog, no idea what to blog or simply as of late no time to blog. currently i have a job that is killing me. wrking 12 hrs almost everyday. cant wait for the project to be over....... going in NS soon, my bro's wedding dinner is a few days away........ my parent's 30th wedding anniversary is at the end of the yr ( i m posting the last event so that i will remember it) so i muz say dat this yr has been a rather exciting yr to say the least for me n my family. we haf been rather blessed indeed.

with all these love in the air i kinda feel jealous at times and a bit hmmmm how would you put it left out? or something like that? but then again the tings i want i dun tink i can ever haf though. coz i reali like my freedom and my space. and being in a relationship that freedom and space get intruded n i dun tink i like dat at all. i dun even let my family or my frens intrude there so i dun tink i will get attached anytime soon i guess. duno........ maybe................

1 week 2 notices

2008-04-18T00:23:00.002+08:00

so it has been a rather exciting week for me. within 1 week i have 2 notices from our ever friendly government. 1st letter i received was about receiving $$$$ $500 to be exact due to the GST package. so being 21 has its advantages hah! the next notice which i received today (well since its after 12 midnight so technically its yesterday) was my enlistment letter which says 12 june which also happens to be my mum's birthday so eh i guess the surprises just keep on rolling in hah! the government's birthday present to my mum to get me out of the house hah! so rather exciting i must say o well. do drop me a note hah!

1 day after b'day celebration

2008-03-24T12:31:00.005+08:00

ok so its 1 day after easter which also happens to be 1 day after my b'day celebrations ok so its not my actual b'day yet but hey its a day dat calls for double celebration! anyway it was nice having all my frens and relatives coming down and celebrating this day wif me so glad dat they came. esp my relatives coz it shows how strong this family is still. reali glad indeed. and my frens oso thx for coming! hope u all had a gd time, reali felt bad i could not spend more time and entertain u all, but hope u all enjoyed urselves nonetheless promise 2 make it up in another time ok! anyway here are more pics of dat day and the prezzies..... hah!

the "cake"

Me being NATURALLY cute

Prezzie frm 12 pple from church can't remem who were the 12 thou

Frm Darren's family hah! thx for all the wrapping paper!

Frm my RP jie mei!

not sure who gave me this reali forgot hah! if i m not wrong frm the gals frm ZhongHua gang

frm Auntie C, Gab n Raph

Frm cuzzie Patrick (although i dun tink i will need it coz i haf natural talent)
just that i choose not to use it hah!

anyway thx for all the love and effort you all gave me reali appreciate it look out for my b'day post which oso wud b my 100 post hah! c i timed it well hah!

Presents!

2008-03-22T21:33:00.005+08:00

hah today when i checked the mail there were two mails. Both were addressed to me.... the 1st was AIA asking me if i wanted to renew my insurance for my laptop. Which i quickly decided not as i wanted a new one so i could so bah gd bye lappie! nex is a post card which said happy 21st! hah! and it was all the way down under of coz the cover of it was a koala slping(r u implying anything??) but anyway thx wei zhi for the post card reali nice and thx for the voucher at least someone decided to fulfill 1 of my wishes hah! here is the card she sent me.... BTW testing out the new cam my bro bought hah!

less then a week

2008-03-20T11:00:00.002+08:00

in a about 6 days i will hit a major milestone in my life....... i will turn the ripe old age of 21........ i will be officially be considered an adult by then which means i will be fully independent by then..... so no more slacking about and time to get a job and embark on my adult journey!

New feature

2008-03-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

Haha ok i added something new here hah! it has nice songs playing........ hah hope this would make people stay a bit longer here hah! anyway will adjust the position of my player when i get back frm camp would not be ard for the nex few days den when i come bck it would be full steam ahead for my 21st. wow i cant imagine i out live death for 21 yrs already haha ok a bit morbid but hey wat can i say..... i m glad to be alive and hopefully many more years to come.

B'day wish list

2008-02-29T20:39:00.003+08:00

hi all who are reading this
being the hopelessly shameless person that i am here is my b'day wish list

Sony Ericsson K850i
Nintendo Wii
Aston Martin DB9
A drivers license to go with the DB9
A girlfriend
1 million dollars
a voucher to redeem 2 yrs lost in the army
injections where i can have instant knowledge
people to stop taking pleasure at other's drunkardness
a b'day celebration to last through the year
a get out of jail card (not that i will need it but just in case)
a gambling winning streak
a whole collection of simpsons
a really really really really big cake
a tattoo
Bugatti Veryon (since i heard they bringing it to S'pore)
A garage to put all these stuff (except the girl of course)
Not to drink any liquor for my b'day (o i truly wish for this)
Have someone to drink for me (if the above is inevitable)
Have a sudden increase in constitution(if the above is not applicable)
Last but not least being the nice person i am i wish for world peace!

i know it may seem like an impossible task to get it BUT if everyone did their part i am sure you all can make it come true.
PS do not let this poor little boy have his hopes and dreams be destroyed by a thing called reality
*since i was at 15 wishes i might as well top it off to 21 since i was turning 21 and i think i do deserve a bit more hah!*

1 more mth

2008-02-28T23:40:00.002+08:00

it would be 1 more month till i turn the big 21 yes my friends, it means i am old! hah! well it means that i haf to shed all my childish ways and accept adult responsibilities. which i find it all a big bullshit. one does 1 day have to change your status and the way people look at you from then on. rawr! i mean i am looking forward to turning the big 21 but seriously who put the big idea of 21 to be the age where we leave our youth and say hello to adulthood??? which bright idiot said that by a certain age we would have to stop sucking our thumbs, at a certain age we would have to stop being close to our parents. seriously! which i don't understand. such a stupid thing if you ask me.

i really wonder who still reads my blog hah! to those who do please drop by and tag my tag box and probably give a something to ponder upon. brain going to die from inactivity. not used to not tinking so much hah! o well.

Valentine's Day post

2008-02-14T21:31:00.002+08:00

1st of all this is not a post where you here me bicker and bitch about how i hate valentine's day hah! no no i am over it already hah! but i do like to talk about it nonetheless yay! so anyway like i said it is valentine's day it was originally to commemorate St Valentine which the Roman Catholic Church decided thats right my religion decided to commemorate St Valentine on this date, unfortunately no one can really agree which St Valentine this is so it is a whole ambiguity going on. So to the Idiots who buy stuff for their loved ones to celebrate Valentine's day i would like to say SUCKER!!!! mhuahuahhahahahaha. But really it is over rated hah! But i find that in all this celebration and gift giving, there is an underlying culture in this. it has a good and bad thing going on. mind you i don't care about media cause they can manipulate all they like but there is a certain truth for them to play on with first in order to ride on it.

The Good first of course. Well the good thing is our culture loves to give gifts hah! It is nice to see that people just turns this day into gift giving day. some people would give stuff just to their friends and that is sweet indeed. It is nice that we have found a day where we celebrate our love not just our loved ones but with those we care about around us as well. it is nice to see society to develop itself to such a way.(BUT OF COURSE PARTLY DUE TO MARKETING) It also nice that we take time from a usual lifestyle and busy lives to find a day where we pamper or at least treat the ones we love to do something special or out of the ordinary. it sort of adds excitement to our monotonous lifestyle. It is sort of saying i care about you so much that i take time to do something special for you.(again partly due to marketing but still underlying truth) It makes people feel good and hence why this occasion though not a holiday on any calender (WHICH THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD DO IF THEY WANT MORE BABIES) is still observed and celebrated.

That being said. the bad news. (well the way i see it lah) it is sad that when valentine's day comes around a lot of people buy stuff(easy way out) then say there, here is my love for you. rather sad and they wait so long until valentine's day and so would you be my valentine or show their love solely on this day alone. rather sad and depressing indeed. sometimes in our fast paced society of life we tend to take time and say that to the people who matters to us most. so unfortunately we have to have this day to do and say it all. o so sad indeed. i know not all of the people out there are like that but quite a considerable amount are out there like that. rather worrying indeed.

well thats all i have to say hah! any comments??? hah. do like to hear your views.
man i miss my culture class in yr 1 hah! loads of discussion. but seriously like to hear from you all so comments drop them in my tag box. (btw made this post in a friendly font colour which is easy on the eyes)

Schools out

2008-02-02T00:10:00.000+08:00

I have left a chapter in my life. Poly education is finally over. 3 years, of blood, sweat and tears. It is an unforgettable 3 years of my life indeed. Learnt new experiences, plenty of opportunities. And i really enjoyed every moment of it. Even those not so pleasant moments, it was still a lesson learnt. I never regret any thing I did in poly. Just the things i did not do. HAH! I must say it was 3 years well spent! too all my classmates and schoolmates and friends and archery mates and er...... well the lists goes on lah.... hah! but i really would like to thank everyone of you. you have made life for me very interesting, exciting and definitely worth living for.

As most of us close this chapter in our lives, we open a new one to explore. It is one where we should with excitement. But I guess most of us fear for the future not knowing what is out there. But think we would never know unless we live it, experience it. The future is so uncertain, we will never know what is out there, but what we do know is ourselves. Where we came from, where we belong, where out hearts lie. I really believe that we all have the power to lead good lives. Just that do we choose to. Choices are out there and there are plentiful of it, there are no right or wrong choices, even if you chose to be a criminal, there are no wrong choice. Just know when you feel that it is no longer the path for you.

Here is a quote i got that every time i read it, it gives me strength and hope.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
by Marianne Williamson

directionless

2008-01-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

man when u r in the zone u r in the zone but when u r lost n directionless, u reali r lost. Dats wat i m reali lost. Quite messed up in my spiritual life rite now. Been able to hide it so far, but i guess it will soon be evident. Duno wat i m goin 2 do aft poly. u could say i lost my head. slightly insane i guess. but reali i duno where i shud go hu shud i turn to. fell like shit on some days. recently been having stomach problems. still do on n off. but i guess it is reflecting my mood as of late. like shit. had a major headache yesterday. kept pounding on n off. i noe my body is telling me something but i m choosing to ignore it. it shud b nth reali. juz my body telling me how foul my mood is. feel damn sick now. i guess dats all i will b saying for now. hope i will feel better soon, coz reali duno how much more i can take it.

new year coming up

2007-12-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

well its another yr ending and another one starting. we forget some memories and add on new ones. we lose something/one dear to us but found a new focus to live upon. this yr has been a real interesting yr for me. i find myself more opened to new things, new environments n new frens.
however this road of discovery has also made me sacrifice a few areas as well. and at times i do get lost and not know if it is for better or for worse. n now it this pt in my life for once i dare say i lost sight. i lost track of who i m. i lost focus on wat i shud b doing. i know i hurt some people through this yr n i m reali sry, i apologise coz know its my fault no amount of excuses shud justify my reasons. i have been flirting wif the devil too often. its ez for me 2 go over the edge. and many times i see myself looking at it and even contemplating jumping off into the the dark abyss. but some how i was held bck. i dun noe how long i can cage the demon within me. i keep feeding it fueling it, and it keeps growing inside me. at times i reali grow tired of keeping it in check, but now i feel the lines haf been erased. i can hardly distinguish wat is real to me, wat is my decision.

at times i long for companionship but yet at the same time i m fearful of it. i do not fear the rejection nor break up. but wat i do in the relationship. most of the time i m sane and so dats when tings r ok, but wat abt the days where i breakdown or when i just snap. i noe how ugly it can b, i haf seen how my family reacted when i snap. i dun wan 2 hurt any1 in anyway. especially not the ones i love.

been contemplating on certain decisions n i noe these r hard decisions that i haf to make n so dats y i haf 2 tink vry hard abt it as the decisions i make r absolute n i stick thru them. but the tings dat i m abt 2 do shud i ever go thru it, shall be vry painful n hurtful. however, it is a decision i feel it is right, no matter how i much i run n avoid it, i will eventuali haf 2 do someting abt it.

i fear a lot of things, i have been through a lot of things, and this past year i know i have not been a better person. i ought to be shunned from society, but yet here i am, concealing myself, living lies.i am not as worthy as you think i am.

Y DO I ALWAYS VOLUNTEER MYSELF!!!!

2007-12-03T21:42:00.000+08:00

i m such a stupid ass i m always finding new ways to screw myself up argh! ok nvm its for the greater good. taking up so much projects can kill u sooner or later u noe and if 1 of them fails they r still going 2 come after you no matter what ok! how stupid can i get digging my own grave roar! my strongest point about me is also my weakest. I am such nice person and it is reali hard 4 me 2 say no 2 help some one out which also happens to b my weakness as i end up having heaps of things 2 do in such short time n i haf 2 come up sumting spectacular as pple have some sort of expectation and they will look 4 u again 2 come up wif something even more spectacular than the last. getting sick of it feel like i m having a burn out soon roar! got 2 stop shortening my life

Missed November

2007-12-01T00:58:00.000+08:00

Missed my November post hah! o well no point in trying to make it up. So wats hup in dec well quite well packed i hope hah! evry one going around flying here and there while i am stuck here in sg sad but true. about this time last year i was preparing for my trip to shanghai hah! which reminds me. just as i was sitting in the plane that time it occurred to me that i was traveling overseas to a far away country without my parents. which was something quite new to me hah! but i guess we have to leave the comforts of our parents some day, and it did not really hit me until we landed in shanghai itself when i wanted to make a call to my parents hah! ok enough of the past now for the future so what do i plan to do.

well dec is x'mas dun plan 2 buy stuff for my frens but not reali nice not giving them something either hah! o well better think up of something fast hmmmm anyway apart from that i still have FYP to worry about which i feel its very worrying indeed then there is the xmas light up which i still haf no idea wat is happening hah!

i shall end off with a to do list.
1.Find a Girlfriend
2.get a mistletoe
3.find a nice spot to hang the mistletoe(preferably a balcony)
4.invite girlfriend to the spot
5.get kissed under mistletoe hah!

i know wishful thinking hah!

ok seriously priority now is to fins xmas songs n start uploading it to my mp3 hah!
frosty the snowman............

that feeling is back again

2007-10-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

Man lately i cant help get the feeling that i haf been shrugged away like a used rag doll that has served its purpose. That is to be played and now that it has out lived its fun. I really cant help shrug off the feeling that i am unwanted and not worth mentioning. heh. i guess i deserve it then. Not that i mind seriously i get hurt having such things happening yea i am a guy stop whining so much. heh. yea i guess so, i should bear it all and just end up in the mental institute and be a useless vegetable to society. AH FUCK IT. i guess its karma. never really treated my friends well. so i guess i lose some friends. left alone. not that i have not encountered this problem before. Ah well. my past comes back and haunts me. Left alone kicked, battered and bruised. Dignity? well i guess i have some dignity left. heh, thats spectacular. i should get a medal for being a guy who endures the pain, and suffering, not that it matters cause there is some one out there who is worse off then me i guess. Ah shit, screw you, who gives a fuck about you dude. you can burn in hell for all i care. Thats what i tell myself every damn day. what a pathetic life i lead.

when i first started poly life i wanted change, make as much friends as i can. Now i guess the only friend i will make is my left and right hand. I was sick of who i was treated back in primary school. Abused and bullied. played like a toy. my teachers weren't really sympathetic either considering the guys who bullied me were top A students. Ah fuck your As. i hope your son gets the same treatment when he grows up. When i was in secondary school, i was left with a scar. it healed, but that scar is there. so i guess i don't really dare go out of my comfort zone. did make a couple of good friends, but they got their own life to lead. i am just a good friend. sheesh really i just wish sometimes i just get hit by a big truck run me over, coz i really don't see a point in leading such a good life. keeping myself pious, only to be branded as a freako by people outside of church. heh damn its tough. and seriously i am losing my way. the road that was once clear has now turned up with alot of crossroads. and in the distance a foggy outlook. my future is foggy. damn.

even my dreams that was once clear in telling me what to do in life or a clear future ahead has now become a big blur. i don't know what the FUCK i am doing. i think i should go and drink. have the habit of the bottle, maybe i will get alcohol poisoning. heh what a way to go. and i guess i could engrave this on my plaque.
"DIED SINGLE, HARDLY ANY FRIENDS, AND FROM ALCOHOL, WHAT A LOSER"

i am slipping, i know it, and i fear someday i fear i slip so far down that i am not able to pick myself back up again. ah shit. Cursing and swearing brings some order to the mad ramblings.

i guess i just leave a poetic closing
all the smiles just hide the hurt.
scars from the past are reopened.
that void, o how i wish i never came to be.
that emptiness, just sucks in all i cherish.
my precious life slips away.
i guess i should have never stayed.

Sad Sad MV

2007-10-16T09:44:00.000+08:00

Woo Hebe in this 1 hah!

As you can see 2 rather sad MV who says the guy always get the girl?

my life at a glance

2007-09-22T01:08:00.000+08:00

I think and i can really slowly feel it. But i really am trying to fight it. However it is slowly getting me. I am becoming something that i did not want to be. I am turning into a work lackey. well thats what i call it. but just let you guys have an idea what i am becoming. i feel like i have a lot of things to do and i know that indeed i do have a lot of things to do. but there is nothing i can do about it as it is my job, as a student to fulfill my duties to study hard, get good grades and in the end have a bright future ahead of me to open up the doors. And i also have a duty as a youth leader, to plan activities for the youth, to let the youth know that the church is a vibrant one, and its up to them to have a say in it. and yet i have to maintain relationships with the adults. I am a neither here nor there, so what are my duties i am starting to feel the pinch of it all. my grades for the previous semester aren't what you call exemplary, and you what is the worse part? i know i could have done a whole lot better. then for my duties as a youth leader has been slipping i feel. during meetings i just cant stand the pressure when it is on me, or when the situation is not going my way, i just tune out. its my escape, my way out. a good leader would not do such things. i feel that my passion is leaving me. the fire in me is giving out. my work is slipping. my mental capacity is overflowing, the energy is slowly draining out. i feel that no amount of sleep can satisfy this tiredness of mine.

I have slowly become a work dog. i have stop thinking on my own. i just do what the situation tells me to. if the priest in my church asks me to do this, i just do it. without thinking of if it is feasible and it is clearly seen that i no passion in the work done. Same as school. i am suppose to come up with individual work, but yet every time i stare into a blank empty screen for hours before i pull myself together to do a piece of reluctant work. my mind is on vacation i think. i know it needs to be refreshed i can feel it. but i can't, look at the amount of work that is slowly piling up. its depressing. but worse of it all. i just can't say no if more work piles in as i am a work dog. just a sad depressed work dog.

multi-personalities

2007-09-14T21:53:00.000+08:00

i don't if its just me or do you guys are the same but when we are with different groups of people we tend to be ourselves differently.

i mean i am just speaking from personal experience here but whenever i am with a different group of people i act and do things differently, they can be very very different personalities but yet they are all still part of me and they have no disassociation from each other. For example, when i am with my parents i am their kid, and i become very childish, yet when i am with my church friends, i become a very wise, reserved and humble person, when i am with my poly friends i become a very outgoing and very fun and i am really not so grounded.

is it our human nature to be like this? or is it just me? do we become someone else when we are with different people? are we actors who masquerade into different roles? if we do such things? then which one is the real us? do we even have a real personality?

for me? my answer would be all of the above. i know who i am that is why i have different personalities. so put into the different roles that i am in. i conform to the people around me, but yet i do not lose my basic principles, my basic essence. and that is to conduct myself to have a certain moral integrity.

strangely enough its this moral integrity of mine his hindering me from moving forward i believe. there are many instances i know i can do better in performance but its because it has certain conflicts with what i believe and it goes against certain of my values, and so i lose out like that. as the saying goes, good guys finish last. if that is the case then i may never finish at all, i may have beaten up and taken advantage of before i finish the race. many time i try to be hard and harsh but yet even when i do it, i feel so bad about it, i feel so guilty about it.

is our society making it so hard for an average good guy? can a good guy live in a society where it pays to be bad? must the good change himself and his basic principles to survive in this harsh and cruel world? is showing sincerity so wrong? i love to help people, but yet if people take advantage of such kindness, how will he help out the next time. i believe that we can be a gracious and kind society, but its because a few rotten people that cause some of us from continuing to be good so they in turn shun away from such a path. maybe some day i will be like them, not now, but if this continues on i feel that indeed all good guys will disappear and society will drive into a pit fall.

What to put 1st

2007-09-12T21:41:00.000+08:00

Well here is a question for all of you. what would you put 1st. your school, your love, your career, your religion.

It has been a question that has been put to my mind so many countless times but yet i have not given a thought about it at all. Especially in today's society. it is really tough to put one thing above all else. As of now i would probably think religion above all else hands down. But then i might say a different thing next week or maybe next month.

The underlying message i am saying here is the constant conflicts we always have with ourselves. Many a times we are placed in a situation where we do not like to be in. And its at these times we find ourselves discovering our true character and strength. For some of us will face it head on without much thought and will either make it through with a lot of hard work and perseverance or just crash and burn, then there are those who would over analyse the situation and make it one of the biggest thing ever. or there are those who avoids it completely unless necessary. Like me. a perfect example. Strangely after looking back at all the situations i was placed in, i find that i am competent in handling such situations, in fact i an handle any situations and thats why i don't find myself having any problems when i had to deal with it. So why do i avoid them in the 1st place? now that is a good question. do i have an inferiority complex so much so that it hinders my abilities? Possibly. but then again isn't it the same as to why people have stage fright? or have problems with speaking to people in the eye? it could be, or i could just be over analysing a small problem and make it sound like a world crisis.

The next post should be more of a social issue i guess. and i have this sudden urge to write a story haha maybe i will.

Refresh

2007-08-11T01:44:00.000+08:00

well for those who still come here well congrats you have caught another "exciting " post here i really do appreciate that you still come here in hopes that i would do something here well not to disappoint i did do something. change the blogskin, and now there is a tag board again after so long well do drop me something to talk about ha ha.

so would like to ask now. What are you going to blog about now? well about my life naturally. but i feel i should be more specific so i shall be ranting about my faith itself. those who know me should know that i am a roman catholic. Yet i feel lost at times knowing i am a catholic. Today's society is not very kind to the religious i realise. It does not matter what religion you are, but if you are the religious sort, you would most likely find it hard to make a stand in today's frivolous society. Now i am not saying that everyone who does not have a religion are frivolous, in fact it is those who have a religion are in fact the ones sowing the seeds of sin. Which disturbs me. we are the ones who have been "educated" to be pious and be shining examples. Yet the way i look at our report cards especially young catholics are unfortunately well pretty dismal in fact.

so it got me thinking. is society changing so that what seems to be evil back then is actually the norm today? and it is just nothing to be worth mentioning and i am just blowing up a big fuss? well thought about but you know what? i think although still a bit old fashioned, i still think that the churches teach the correct things. Just that now life is viewed differently.

Catholic youths (btw this is just pure observation) unfortunately do not see themselves as vessels of God as we are all taught in cathecism classes. We are now in an era where we have to be reasoned with and no longer just i teach you listen. Problem is not many of them want to speak up and question their faith. so the knowledge is lost among the sea of youths who are very lost and confused to begin with. So what is the problem? Well i find that most of out catholic youths are very broken, the fact that they treat their lives very little does not help at all. All of us are broken to a certain extent. some of us can just pick ourselves and mend back ourselves as we already thought it through and we value life itself, for me i accept that this life is given to me, it is not my life to the extent that i did not obtain it with my own will and everything like that, but it is more like a life given to me by God through my parents. So why should i belittle it? When it is not mine to play around it to begin with. Now then why do some people think otherwise?

well society today unfortunately has changed. our affluence though our boon, it is also out bane. Yes no doubt we are able to live comfortably, but yet we are slowly drilled to the fact that we are on our own and the only ones we can depend on are ourselves and our own two hands. And so from young our parents would drill it into us that we must do well and make it on our own.(not that it is any wrong in that) but if it is pushed too far it slowly becomes I must do well because it is what I want. and that fact that we are pampered and not really well disciplined we tend to slowly develop the me concept. (i shall talk about this the next time)

So is hope lost? definitely no. well although i frown upon people switching to the other Christian groups, i can see why they do that. Mass to Catholics has lost its meaning to a lot of youths as they do not understand the logic to why we must go to church on Sundays other then the fact that we would GO TO HELL if we miss it. While most of the Christians do not have Mass, they have service, and through these services they get people to come by conducting it with a lot of life, enthusiasm and with hope. So why don't our Masses do that? So why can't we do that, in fact some of them do but problem here is what is the message our priests wants us to take home? Most of the time, the Christian pastors spread the message of hope. which is not wrong at all but it should not be mixed up with disillusionment. Sometimes they twist scriptures too much to their own convenience to give the disillusionment that everything is fine and good. there would not be any troubles if you put your faith in the Lord. and to support their message some Christian bibles omitted the book of Tobit. but they do have a point that you should put your faith in to Lord.

it is not my place to say is it right or wrong but i feel that, some of them end up disillusioned, and they take it all in as they are still riding on the euphoria of all the praising and worshiping. I believe (this is just personal, others who are out there can disagree with me) i feel that we should no doubt put our faith in him. Put not because he would help us get through the tough times because that mindset is just using him at our own convenience, our own personal hot line. But rather I feel that we love him so much that we would have to put our faith in him as a sign of our love. No matter whether if we are in trouble or calm, we should still keep our faith in him because we love him.

B'day Post

2007-03-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

ok so its my B'day n i m 20 no more teen in my age well its also an age thats neither here nor there
I must say that i have been through a lot these past 20 years here on earth. and it has been especially fruitful the past recent years. This year a lot people wished me happy b'day n each time i received a message i was happy n i felt i really good and my heart felt really warm. it was a feeling i honestly have not felt before. it made me realised that i truly have moved out of my troubled past its scars are still left on me but now at least they are nothing else but just scars. i was really glad people wanted to enjoy this day with me. and i felt them with their sincerity in wishing me. and i am truly glad that they did.

20 is just a number in my age but i guess it also shows a number to how much i have learnt also. i reflect upon the times when i spent so many years not doing anything for my B'day, w/o celebrating it and just be busy with stuff keeping myself occupied just running away from a reason which i do not even know what. but now some how i felt open and free, free from the shackles that bonded me in misery and shame. don't get me wrong, it's not the age that freed me but its the fact that i guess i open myself up to let others in and i think it is what made this year's b'day so different from the others. there are many more words i would like to say but the one thing i would really like to express is.

I really do appreciate every wish that was sent as it made me feel that i was living and had made a place in part of your lives so thank you!

blog post aft so long

2007-01-25T20:16:00.000+08:00

well wat made me post something after so long?
I find that i needed an outlet 2 express certain feelings so that someone knows and hears abt it
so wat do i have to say? well there has been something eating me up all this while ever since this ting happen. n i haf to say it is my biggest regret to mark till this day n it haunts me every once in awhile....... story goes like this i once fell for this gal, n i tink she felt the same way too. but i was too afraid of getting hurt, too afraid of expressing my true feelings for her n i had to even lie to her that i was interested in someone else hoping that there wud b another opportunity to express my feelings. now tinking abt it i muz say dat wat a stupid fool i was n indeed not worthy. heh n now she found someone while i m here lonely telling myself 2 get it over. juz cant shake it off. here i m beating myself silly... wat a fool i m indeed. am i reali ready 2 b in a relationship?? will i ever??? i don't noe n neither i wan 2 bother anymore...... dats wat i wud like 2 say but dat nvr seems to b the case slowly but surely i seem this has been surrounding my life n i need 2 get straight to this heavy emotion of mine that i cant b in a relationship for numerous reasons. there seems to b a huge conflict between my mind n my emotions logical tinking tells me that i cant b in a relationship as 1stly i do not haf the time, nex it wud most likely cause me more headaches than i already haf, maturity i dun tink i wud b able to sustain the relationship nex and lastly i dun tink i am able to commit to it. then there is NS lurking not vry far off....... but my emotions tell me otherwise.

I tink u wud hear me ramble more through out the yr n if u luv ramblings can come here if not juz find somewhere else coz i m full of it here

blogging?? for wat???

2006-08-24T13:21:00.000+08:00

blogging slowly but surely i lost sense of y pple blog.... wat is the purpose of blogging?? wats the reasons izit a diary?? i tot diaries were suppose 2 b personal... or izit suppose 2 b a medium 2 showcase writing abilities.... dats an idea..... but how many pple actually read unknown pple's blogs...... well.... if u wan 2 b famous here is a way..... either post nude pics.. dat will boost u 2 stardom or how abt posting defamatory remarks of ur local conservative government n y not add some humour to it. coz those seem to b the winning formulae of making ur site a hit..... (btw i m not disrespecting those pple infact i admire those pple hu do dat as u haf more guts n ideas den i ever haf) anyway i tink my blog is goin down the drain as pple r not looking at this page anymore n so i reali find wats the use of up keeping this place...

God has an ans

2006-07-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

Well yesh it is 1 of those rare blog posts that i make. anyway let me share wif u my experience i had this afternoon. I seem to really enjoy spiritual sessions alot now coz lately i seem 2 b able 2 find my ans among them. Well as many or hardly any1 of u noes i haf lately been vry active wif my extra activities such as archery n oso my church cathecism now dat the hols r over so i will bz evryday again n hardly any down time 4 me. n lately i haf been questioning myself... Y ..... Y m i pushing myself so hard, y m i doing all these tings? n sometimes i realli start 2 ques is it reali all worth it? sadly the ans is a definate no but the ting is this God has given me gifts/talent so as scriptures say so we shud make use of them n infact multiply them n yea they will eventually will but as u haf more gifts there wud b more wrk 4 u 2 do, there wud b more talents dat u haf 2 train hard wif n it will add up mind u. so wat r we suppose 2 do juz continue 2 suffer? of coz not although we r catholics(n scripture says we will suffer if we follow him) we always 4get this God does not wan us 2 suffer n infact i belief he will help us as much as possible but u c the ting is this we shud not ask God to help get thru a piece of wrk or tings like dat but more of ask God to guide u thru the day. Wrk is inevitable but do dat wrk wif the best of ur abilities n offer it up to God. u c we as human r vry funny n weird. when there is wrk we complain as there is wrk n we cannot cope. when there is no wrk we complain bcoz it is boring. so how?? stop complaining abt wrk do it coz its not dat hard God wud not gif u sumting if he noes u canot do it. He is fair n just so stop comparing urself wif other pple. Stop asking pple 2 sympathise wif when all u wan is recognition 4 ur wrk. Wat ever u haf to do, do it no1 wud ask u 2 do unnecessary stuff even if it seems like the slightest insignificant ting we still do it y? bcoz it may not b significant 2 us but it may b someting 2 sum1 else. Opus Dei has the best ideals 2 follow (n no its nth wat the author Dan Brown has written) y bcoz it is realli can b associated 2 us the wrking pple n wat is it? well simple.... Opus Dei follow this philosophy n dat is to do watever wrk n do it wif our best, n offer it up to God to make it our prayer to him.( but dat is not a prayer sum of u ask? n do u actualli noe wat is a prayer?)
n so i end here haf a gd reflection wif urself (coz dats wat we all need once in awhile)

campaigning for s'pore tourism?????

2006-06-16T15:10:00.000+08:00

well my 1st project i had 2 do while attending a adobe photoshop workshop wahahahaha so wat u guys tink haha

song for 5N1

2006-05-29T18:53:00.000+08:00

well i thought of a song for a vry special claz no melody 2 it yet juz the lyrics haha

its been a long time
i had so much 2 tell u all
alot has passed
yet i'm still here
waiting for you all
though the walls are gone
but the heart's still there
binding us together

i miss you all
and i know you
miss me too
we have been gone so long
and so much to talk about
so why don't save it
for some time

how are you
seems to be the
popular phrase
a nice warm hug
seems to hit the spot
all those unspoken lines
are said and
this is what they say

i miss you all
and i know you
miss me too
we have been gone so long
and so much to talk about
so why don't save it
for some time

though all those innocent times are lost
we can't turn back the hands of time
but we can rekindle those feelings
one more time
one more time

i miss you all
and i know you
miss me too
we have been gone so long
and so much to talk about
so why don't save it
for some time

Missing the 5N1 days

2006-05-25T15:05:00.000+08:00

I reali miss the 5N1 days all the gd frens all the innocence all the lovely memories. I reali miss them each one of the 5N(2004) class. most of us wud haf lost contact wif each other. we still haf gatherings but it aways ends up sum of us cant make it. n now we meet up the feeling is diff no longer the same as last time.

the past of 5N keeps cuming bck 2 me the fun we had, the lafters, the mischief, the sadness, the experience we all went thru, the bonding we all forged....... i miss them........

2 watch it or not

2006-05-17T20:53:00.000+08:00

hmmmm as cliche as the line sounds n as over used the line is.... it is still a vry big issue 4 me...... well as many of u noe the Da Vinci code movie is outthe ques is?? shud i go watch it???? even the church itself is torn in2 wif this issue.... the vatican say dun watch it coz it is like the devil tempting 2 eat the forbidden fruit but yet the opus dei members themselves so go watch it but juz remem it is fiction it is not real it is juz a story.... seriously dat Dan Brown is such a bastard u noe... when he 1st wrote the book and when it was published he said it was fiction not real..... now dat there is a wide popularity abt it he says o no it was based on facts whether it was based on truth or not i dun reali care.. whether is it a mockery of the church well dat i do take in2 consideration but is the vaticans ideas and views of this issue 2 old fashioned??? or is it 2 enclosed or not??? well i m not 2 sure myself..... hmmm big ques indeed.... well i read the book already honestly speaking n i muz say it was a vry gd book 2 read but i noe it was fiction but i muz thank him bcoz i reali enjoyed reading his book the 1st book i read cover 2 cover without stopping hahahaha gd writing technics i muz say dat is y i was looking 4ward 2 the movie.. oso bcoz of the book i reali wanted 2 noe the truth and it made me open up to more stuff like the dead sea scrolls, n it made me aware there were actualli more books dat the bible did not include and there were more den the current gospels among the dead sea scrolls n a whole other stuff..... it made me wan 2 noe more facts.....

now bck 2 the subj of Da Vinci code well 4 me i m not sure i will wan 2 watch it or not but 2 all my frens and pple out there hu read this entry ps bear in mind whether or not it is true or not whether if there was a conspiracy or not it does not matter. y do i say dat? well simply this this idea of Jesus was married or not is nth new in fact is was raised centries ago if i remem correctly it was raised 1400s time so it is nth new.... but did it changed the church??? no, do u tink this movie will change the church??? i believe not. whether or not dat Jesus was married or not did it matter??? the issue here is whether or not was he married? did he haf kids?? is there reali a ting called the holy grail???? wat matter is this God sent his son Jesus on earth. Jesus came here n died 4 us 2 save us frm our sins n mind u he did not die in the nicest u noe he did not die a matyr at dat time mind u he died on the cross as a criminal den juz 2 save us 2 save our souls now do u reali tink such a story wud make a diff in the catholic church??

tink abt it my frens y r u watching this movie?? is abt searching 4 a truth??? or a conspiracy???? or a juz entertainment value??? heh its up 2 u wat u make of it but juz look at the cross n tink.

i was tagged

2006-05-14T20:15:00.000+08:00

ok technically i was not tagged coz i dun haf a tag board wahahahaha but anyway juz 4 the fun of it........

some1 sometime ago tagged me 2 do this stupid ting of cuming up wif 7 qualities of my perfect lover.... gender of my perfect lover(kinda obvious 1) and tag 7 other pple 2 do this wu liao stuff(which i m so nice i wun ask u all 2 do) bsides dun belief in chain stuff..... i wud pass it on if i find it nice of meaningful....

ok lets start wif the obvious 1... the gender i wud like my perfect lover 2 b is of coz a male....wahahahahahaha no lah siao i m not gay well i wud like a gal of coz....
7 qualities i wud like her 2 haf... hmmmm..... dats a tuf 1......

1)i wud like her 2 haf a sort of cute naiveness.......(of coz not dumb lah juz a sort of innocence u may call it)
2)eh a sort of girlish side 2 her..... does not haf 2 b a vry girlish girl but a sort of girly charm 2 her u noe a sort of i like cute pinky stuff or juz a cute girly side 2 her
3)she muz b tolerant(definately muz b tolerant of my rantings at times)
4)she shud not b skinny dun like girls 2 b stick thin( i wud like them 2 haf a bit of meat..... dun mind plump girls.... so long the take care of themselves)
5)noes how 2 b spontanous
6)muz b mindful of religion(sum1 hu respects me n my religion n wud not persuade me 2 sway away frm it..... or wud understand if i haf a calling)
7)hmmm last pt seriously not enuf!!!! wahahaha but anyway the last ting wud b sum hu could hold a serious conversation when i m in a disturbed state of mind

ya dat is my list well i guess it mayb hard mayb ez seriously i wud not noe coz i duno gals dat well (i m a dorky person) i reali hope i wud find sum1 4 me does not haf 2 haf all the requirements but pt 6 is no compromise unfortunately (my gosh i sound like i m advertising) wahahahahaha anyway if any1 of u wan 2 tag me u can do it on my msn ya..... cya....... n stay tuned 2 my future posts......

VID on dance

2006-05-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

saw the vid damn funny

FOR THOSE HU TINK I M GAY!!

2006-05-09T11:36:00.000+08:00

THERE U CAN C WAT IS IN THE TOP OF MY 2 DO LIST!!!!!!!
and if u r a good fren of mine den u wud help me do sumting abt it

purpose of life any1???

2006-04-10T21:20:00.000+08:00

so wat is the purpose of life?? wat is my purpose in life??? izit 2 find sum1 n settle down??? izit 2 stay single n dedicate my life 2 my wrk??? izit 2 live life 2 the fullest n die early??? or izit to fully gif my life 2 the pple ard me coz frankly i tink i dun haf any idea i dun even c wat i c myself doin nex yr coz i really feel like shit juz fucking unhappy wif myself, wif the path i chosen. the tings i do evrytime i juz fuck myself up. how i wish i can blame the tings on pple but yet the fault is mine n mine alone my burdens is mine alone n i juz fuck tings up.

i m so fucked up and i still wan 2 help pple wat kind of fucked up tinking do i haf. izit not enuf 4 me to burden myself wif my problems n my mental insanity??? n here i m wanting 2 take on my burdens n make it my own.. my my i m sure a sucker 4 punishment n prob a bad influence..... i tink i need professional help soon coz reali. i m bitter not happy wif life.. but yet i cant kill myself neither can i hurt myself so wat can i do... pent up emotions frustrations dats all i can do i guess. i juz lost hope in myself i tink i reali m mental here i express my emotions but in real life i appear 2 b a relaxed person but yet in msn i appear happy n carefree. schitzo wud b a vry gd wrd 2 describe me i guess....

constantly toking 2 myself seeking attention, not attention frm any1 else but myself... i m constantly in a war of wrds wif myself... so i guess the bottomline is this wat m i suppose 2 do. wat the fuck m i here 4? y the fuck do i haf all these fucked up tings? i wud like 2 blame it society n how it made me this way but reali i guess it is this. i m juz fucked up

Aimless story part 2

2006-03-14T15:10:00.000+08:00

so here is the continuation of my story n oso to got wif it a new blog skin layout
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I don’t think anyone would ever like someone like me, no good looks, have a terrible set of teeth, in fact jabber jaw’s teeth looks better then mine, a male chauvinist, who believes men are always the superior race and that women should stay where they are suppose to, at home, an arrogant bastard you may say, in fact you can join the rest of the other anti-me fan clubs. However, at least I am a hopeless romantic; in fact I am so hopeless at being romantic that people ever wonder what was in that brain of mine. So you see my friends, I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life.

Ah that familiar red building, next came the bell and finally the last thing is, me getting off the bus. While staring at the road ahead of me reminded me of the time I was small, we were taught to look right then left then right again. A practice we all should follow for the rest of our lives, but I could not be bothered by it, all that came to my mind was how I wish I could end this lonely life o someone just bang me now, sadly it never happened. My foot reached the other end of the road and unto the concrete pavement before I could think up the headlines that would be fitting for my demise. Trees, grass, weeds and a whole lot of other green stuff as I walk along the road. This used to be a route that I enjoyed walking as it gave me time to relax and calm myself down or maybe a walk to wake myself up before I start school, now it seems like a route to a hell hole, a place where you put a whole lot of other individuals together and hope by some miracle they all would get along and work together.

What a load of bullshit I would think to myself on the school’s ideals, I say a war is just waiting to happen, and when it erupts, it is going to be a BIG spectacle. I would just like to get the front row tickets with pop-corn in hand and watch all the backstabbing and lying, now that would be reality TV unlike what you see on TV. Just no professional editing, but other then that I would say good enough, and what the hey it great family fun just watching it, just that sometimes you get this feeling that stray objects might be coming your way.

That dreaded orange door, would just swing open all the way with just the slightest push, even an ant would have no problems opening it. The first thing I open that darn door was white walls, solid white walls which was so stale, so unkind. I always thought they should do something about it, but what the hell, I am not the one paying the utilities of this place so why do I care so much.
I picked my favourite spot, I originally chose that spot as I could find solitude from the rest of this crazy class of mine so that no one could peek at what I was doing and no one could disturb me, but soon there was another reason behind it………..

AIMLess story Part 1

2006-03-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

yesh pple i wrote a story which was inspired by real events but it is fictious in nature so dun bother tinking is it real or did it reali happen 2 much
-----------------------------------------------------------

All I see is pictures, blurry pictures whooshing past my eyes. I closed my eyes and the nest thing I see is a couple holding hands, walking. Then I feel a thud, just beside me, I opened my eyes again, welcome to reality I thought to myself. I looked beside me who it could be who would make such an “impact”. Well, I already sort of knew what kind of person who was sitting beside me; I just wanted to reaffirm it.

“Damn!” I thought to myself. I just hate it when I am right. It was some fat old lady who was trying to “cozy” up with me trying to take up a lot of the seating space. I rolled my eyes and want back to sleep.

“Hey! Isn’t that the same couple?” I tried to peer through and see who it is. But their faces seem so foggy but yet there was something familiar that I felt about them.

“THUD!” then, pain followed suit. Great! How bad can this bus trip get, not only is this woman beside me taking up space and squeezing me into this tiny corner, but I just hit my head against the window, hard! My eyes just remained closed as I did not want to see the stares of the surrounding passengers around me.

Hmmmm that’s nice the couple seem to be carrying on their walk without caring about the world around them. Some how I seem to be sharing their joy of having each other, and some how there is this feeling of longing that seems to follow it.

I open my eyes, this time I was sure, it was just a dream and fortunately for me I guess it would just remain that way for me. I sort of gotten used to the fact that I was destined to be remained single for the rest of my pathetic little insignificant life, but hey might as well.

End of Part 1

say your peace

2006-02-06T00:19:00.000+08:00

yup say your peace b4 i close this place whether is it 4 good or juz temp depends on my mental state of sanity but hopefully it wud b juz temp coz there is afew tings on my blog i wud like 2 do

rubbing salt into wound

2006-02-03T11:33:00.000+08:00

this morning on the bus was reali sadden sob sob was on the bus den saw this gal which i was attracted 2 den bside was this guy hu was quite geeky not those wif specticles but those dai dai guys blur blur kind n they seem quite 2 each other n i was like errr haizzzz sadden den the best part is the later had 2 sit in front of me sum more wah seh this was getting 2 my nerves although they did not do anyting but the guy was rather close 2 her n i was errr hmmm duno wat 2 do i found myself staring at the guy rather often now the reason was that i was tinking a guy like him?!?!?!?! cum on i look better den him which later brought me 2 another pt, i haf seen guys hu r more ugly den me dat r attached it is so depressing n now a geek aw man i reali m starting 2 tink i wud nvr find sum 4 me n i wud b left single 4 the rest of my life, which is quite a scary thought i dun wan 2 b

y y y y y y y y y y

it seems like a blow aft blow in my life, i m not 2 feel wat pple feel, m i suppose 2 look at the sidelines n c pple. it makes me sick juz sick 2 the core of my very being. i m bitter abt it but can i help it? juz trying 2 keep it out of my head keeping my life bz but sum how it juz creeps bck n remind me dat i haf such a pathetic love life....... i m pathtic indeed writing on such stuff.... i m such a loser

finally a post

2006-01-31T21:45:00.000+08:00

4 those of u hu bother 2 cum here den gd 4 u well here is a reward a new post well it is the time of month where i get rather bitter... y?? coz there is a certain unspoken festival in Feb dat starts wif a V well i m not saying its a bad festival but juz a not vry nice 1 if u r single n alone but hey lets add in bitter also since we r toking abt it. yesh as u can c i m a cold n bitter lonely person who wud remain like this 4 probably the rest of his life...... lets face it i m not goin 2 find sum1 any time soon n i reali m highly doubtful dat i wud find any1 for me in the near future.... so wat haf i done?? well i haf made certain plans... aft my poly i wud b 21 den i wud go NS n wud serve the nation for at least 2 yrs so den aft dat i wud b 23 at least so den i wud c how it goes but most likely i may join the brown orders aft my NS n dat wud b the Franciscan or the Camelite or the Dominicans hu r vry highly obscure here in S'pore but i feel dat my heart belongs 2 b missionary n go forth n spread the wrd. dun reali like the priesthood dat much, 2 constrincting 2 my liking n kind of despise them aft certain undesirable things dat happen. but den u noe wat i reali wan??? is 2 juz die so dat i wun haf 2 live thru such a pathtic life n wake evry morn juz 2 tink n live thru another prob. i m highly disturbed but hu is there 4 me.... no1 other den myself...... God has the ans but i haf 2 live thru the torment........ my soul juz hurts n bleeds but it still lives on this tormenting Earth coz sum1 does not wan me 2 c him juz yet....... wat a life we live in.. wat a sad pathetic life i haf..... the onli comfort i haf is juz my incessant ramblings on how pathetic my life is..... no1 reali gives a F*** wat happens abt me they onli listen 2 me when they feel its convenient 4 them..... dun deny it pple u noe its so damn true..... haf u heard me complain b4 n if u haf wat is it abt?? haf u reali listne 2 my problems or do u even noe they exist! but hey.... i m not blaming u coz u urself got enuf shit in ur life dun expect 2 take on my shit like this..... n dun bother 2 reply 2 this post wif ur comforting wrds coz deep down i reali culd not gif a damn wat u said no amt of wrds can comfort me..... i m juz a lonely cold dark n bitter person.

fruitful retreat

2005-12-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

well 2day i had a vry gd retreat a vry fruitful retreat sumting 2 charge my spiritual batteries. throughout this whole retreat i was recollecting my past, n using 2 c how far i haf cum, how far i progressed thru my faith, and also c how much i faltered n no matter wat he still calls me bck. yesh belief in him, belief dat there is a god listening mayb u wun belief me now but i tell u, when he calls u, keep ur hearts open for he calls u discreetly n also personally. time n time again whenever i tell myself this is the last time, i do not wan 2 this any more, sum how i still cum bck, y u may ask bcoz he calls me bck he always calls me bck n i tink i wud do dat until i haf done wat he intends me 2 do, i was reading the bible 2day sumting which i haven done in a extremely long time but anyway i came upon this chapter which was Ecclesiates which i tink we all shud read, although wat it says can b quite depressing, sum how at the end the messege was quite clear so let me share wif u wat i says for sum of u hu don't haf a bible 2 c it. Eccl1:2-3Life is useless, all useless. You spend your life working, labouring, and what do you have to show for it? This book in the bible although depressing it is truthful but later on it goes on to say enjoy life n wat is ard u, and how do u do dat, by wrking, u dun haf 2 b the best as in the end it does not matter coz in the end no 1 will remem u or the tings u haf done, but dun b the lousiest also bcoz u wud b a fool doin dat coz u wud suffer so y suffer when u onli haf 1 life. there was 1 part of youths which i found really appropriate it said

Eccl11:9-10 Young people, enjoy your youth. Be happy while you are still young. Do what you want to do, and follow your heart's desire. But remember that God is going to judge you for whatever you do.
Don't let anything worry you or cause you pain. You aren't going to be young very long.
and the last part which says this
Eccl12:13-14 After all this, there is only one thing to say: have reverance for the God, and obey his commands, because this is all that man was created for. God is going to judge everything we do, whether good or bad, even things done in secret.

if u do not agree wif all these dat i haf juz said den keep it to urself n dun patronise me coz i will get angry at it some how i tend to haf a short fuse when pple speaking against my religion coz i belief dat every1 has an equal rite 2 heaven no matter wat religion, u may follow according 2 ur own religious teachings coz i m sure it teaches u 1 ting, n dat is to make peace not wif others but wif urself den n onli den can u make peace wif others

WOOOO

2005-12-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

well juz came bck frm church coz we had our xmas light-up woooo man it was fun i mean evrytime i do this stuff i get a great satisfaction sort of reminds me why i m doin this y i bother 2 stick ard in church y i take so much crap frm so many pple n at the end of the day i tink 2 myself man this is fun, man this is a gd feeling, a satisfacting feeling now i m quite high though quite tired wahahahhaa anyway i muz say dat the xmas light-up was quite a success indeed wahahahahahahaha i tink i made an impression on pple wahahahahahahaha reali made them hear my booming voice. quite fun lah i dun mind doin it again BUT considering dat i dun haf any ****ers go n make life miserable so much so dat it outweighs the feeling of satisfaction. wahahahahahah on the whole it was a great xmas light up n ended the rite way wif the band and all

life is shit get dat straight pple

2005-12-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

yesh i noe its been awhile but now i here blogging again

yup as the title says life is shit seriously it is. pple can make a simple life f***ed up. y? coz they like it dat way...... o go piss off some other place............ dun put ur corrupted dirty hands on sumting dat is still left clean......... the 1 area dat was left untouched by corrupted politics will now b polluted........... it has finally cum 2 this................ i haf lost faith......... i still tot there was hope, dat there was still a possibility dat these plague culd b cured......... but it seems i was wrong......... it is this disease dat has spread in2 the roots of the foundation............. i m so disappointed............... i juz wish............ i hope................ i pray........... sum miricle wud happen......... sum1 culd save this invasion of the plague............................

movie day

2005-11-18T16:07:00.000+08:00

haha well 2day was the 2nd time i went out wif some of my new clazmates hehe we went 2 c Just Like Heaven which was woot a nice show got certain funny parts quite romantic n there was a this part of the movie dat hit me, where i could relate 2. It was when the female lead of the show said that she had had been so bz helping others dat she has not helped herself, it made me tink i haf been so bz wif helping out the church lah n doin alot of stuff dat i haf 4gotten abt myself , i haf neglected myself until a certain pt as 2, wat i m doin, y m i doin this in the 1st place i haf totally lost track of y m i doin it in the 1st place, i haf been embroiled in the political game, i haf totally lost track luckily 4 me there is a break coming up soon so dat i can take dat time n recooperate, refind wat m i doin, y was i there in the 1st place, n hopefully help myself. i dun wan my past 2 hrt wat is happening presently n eventually cause my future to suffer..........

BrEak

2005-11-11T02:50:00.000+08:00

yawnzzz did not go sch 2day....... felt reali tired this morn needed more slp so i juz carry on slping .... i guess all these meetings n trainings taking its toll on me now, felt reali tired at the end of the day. feel so drained physically n mentally duno how i can keep this up all the way until nex mth but i feel dat sumting has got 2 give sooner or later ...... no joke dat i m bz almost more den 12 hrs evryday, juz wrk wrk wrk yawnzz juz losing interest in watever i do now........ i need a break soon i dun tink i can take it anymore if i dun haf a break soon

a post which was meant 2 b done yesterday

2005-11-07T06:06:00.000+08:00

really honestly how many of u wif blogs find it annoying 2 put a title on ur entries i noe i m coz reali i duno wat 2 put on those titles now.... but anyway the main ting y m writing on this blog well...... yest i was helping out in a retreat for the confirmants...... was quite pissed at certain tings they did reali they sure noe how 2 push the rite buttons in making pple pissed....... but lets not go there they had their sessions n a tok by a brother, n man was he gd he was realli realli gd n i was damn impressed wif wat he said, but there were tings dat made tink hard n also sit up n noticed. He started by saying this there r 3 rules in stories........ 1. All stories are true 3. All stories are true as they tell a part of our lives or characters. I skip the 2nd rule as i 4got wahhaahhaha but anyway he gaf alot of gd pts which realli made me tink n i tink i was touched by wat he said. there afew tings dat he said which i tot mayb now is a gd time 2 change the way i lead my life n indeed i will n it was a gd experience of me...... reali appreciate 2 help out.......

batt running low

2005-11-05T16:15:00.000+08:00

my my i nvr been so bz 4 such a prolong period in my life.... wahahahahaha sum how i feel reali shagg thru the end of the day but sum how i juz feel shiok hmmmm mayb i m turning into a workaholic wahahahahaha sum how i get the thrill of being bz keeps me occupied which i nvr felt such a rush b4 wahahahaha mayb i m a workaholic wahahhaah anyway 2day was 1 of the bziest days i ever had wahaha had sch in the morn where it was raining.... wat a way 2 start of ur day.... den aft sch i went down 2 P.S. met chap n his galfren there finally saw her in person (my qing di) wahahahahhahahaha anyway wat was i doin there hmmm well i was looking 4 angel wings at spotlight, however the onli wings they had were like fairy wings which wud like small butterfly wings on a certain sum1 wahaha anyway den aft dat had dinner wif the couple, which i m starting 2 b reali bothered bcoz i reali felt extra ( 2 dat sum1 mind u this is the duno how many times u made me feel like a LIGHTBULB) moving along den aft i went straight down 2 church where it was like quite meaningless coz all we did was correct scripts yawnzz anyway aft dat i went hm...... by the time i reached hm it was like err 10.30??? so i was like shit coz i haven do RJ yet so ya lor rushed my RJ by the time i finished it was like 11.30?? so it was just nice or yawnzzzz my personal batt running real low so muz go n haf a meeting wif the ZZZ monster so gd nitez!!

iz any1 listening

2005-11-03T15:36:00.000+08:00

hmmmm i realli wonder if any1 reads the tings i post?? hmmmm if i write sad depressing tings den pple post a comment den when i m alrite den pple cud not b bothered wif u sobz so sadz haiz anyway here i m rambling away coz i juz dun care wahahahaha well 2day's topic my sad pathetic life n oso the church which i feel i wud burn in bcoz of it.

well on wif life well nth much reali juz tot it was fun juz 2 call it pathetic haha ok the church now, well quite pissed abt it reali they juz make me reali pissed y coz the adults r making unnesesary wrk 4 ur the youth committee den it seems dat they r reali goin ahead wif the core youth ministry where i do not haf a prob wif it so long it does not concern me but wat i m concern is abt wat kind of pple wud it attract n hu wud b in-charge but either way i promised myself i wud not b a part of this core youth ministry, y??? coz i noe i wud make me even more unhappy n it wud discourage me frm cotributin 2 the church as i wud like 2 as bad as it is now i haf dat feeling of leaving the church anytime reali damn pissed at it anyway i m now sarting 2 plan how i wud retire frm helping out n mind u it is not pretty infact it wud involve dat me leaving SVDP 4 gd yesh i hate 2 stay ard there......... left there once but in the end is till came bck as God called me 2 go bck but if the surrent situation keeps up den it has no reason 4 me 2 stick ard anymore

in fact i m tinking of joining 1 more CCA so dat it wud keep me bz away frm church duties, i wud be occupied wif sch n i wud put more effort in sch rather den church aft this event

juz so f***ing pissed nvr been so angry abt the church ever in my life reali juz slowly eating me inside it no wonder y pple leave the church while i m 1 of those suckers hu tink if i stay ard long enuf i can make a diff. Aft 4 yrs serving the church as a youth cathecist n oso as a committee member i lost sight my original objective 4 joining n staying on n i tink i will lose sight y i even bother keep myself alive soon but i tink its bez i shud take a break soon or else i m goin 2 break down of fatigue reali feel dat way juz trying 2 keep up is starting 2 get tough haiz its tough but hey i m still a sucker i guess a stupid fool

my 46 post

2005-11-01T14:58:00.000+08:00

yesh yesh sum of u muz b tinkin 46 posts onli!!!!! so little!!!! well hmmm i guess it quite a underutilised blog but hey wat can i do been bz (lazy) but reali nowadys i m reali bz, juz duno how i manage 2 keep it up well anyway now i haf the hse 2 myself coz my parents r away n wn b bck until tml afternoon tml is deepavali wich is a public holiday YAY!!! anyway can slp in late haven manage 2 do dat like for quite some time now so finally got a break yay i reali need this break, so dat i can go the distance haha lame?? yesh i noe haha anyway lets tok abt 2day, 2day was enterprise module n guess wat it was abt accounts YAY!!!! i still cant belief i actually remem it i reali tot i wud return bck liao haha looks like i still haf it in me hahah anyway being the few hu took acc i had to teach acc (which was the few basic ones lah in like afew hrs) man its like sweat lor haha anyway dun care so much lah so i juz teach wat was needed of me haha

which felt gd lah helping pple again made me realise y i wanted 2 b a social worker/counselor which made me felt great again reali inspired now haha i guess now i m starting 2 pick tings up again bah haven felt this great in a long while i guess manage 2 move on now aft those feew incidents n if u r a regular follower of my blog den i mayb wud tell y wat happen n wat made me change coz i noe most of u r quite fuzzy on wat happen so anyway just 2 let u noe again dat the music video has changed again n if some of u hu cant read the heading on top of the video well it says Daniel Powter - Bad Day so enjoy it nex music video update wud hopefully be nex week so remem 2 always cum bck hor!!!

missing me??

2005-10-27T14:44:00.000+08:00

doin this entry while the coffee is still kicking in but i dun tink it wud stay there 4 long hmmmmm wat can i say but i m a reali bz guy now got archery training den haf church meetings yawnzz this is reali tiring n sooner or later it wud take its toll on me but heck i dun care at least i m doin sumting n not wasting my precious time away on something unconstructive yawnzzz well nth much reali happening in my life juz quite tiring lately coz of the meetings luckily there r capable pple dat r in charge juz worried abt nex when a certain sum1 takes charge n i reali fear dat, dat certain sum1 wud go n screw tings up n i reali dun wan 2 b there 2 go n clear shit up coz i haf been doin dat 4 a bloody long time n its reali taking its toll on me.......

on a seperate note i decided dat i wud start exercising frm this week onwards..... y u may ask well i had a health screening and i dicovered dat i was overweight, dats 1 ting, the other reason was bcoz i had hypertension which also means i haf high blood pressure so i need 2 exercise start getting into shape i need 2 b disciplined abt it so yea gd 4 me anyway the coffee is wearing off n my eyes r reali heavy need my beauty sleep or else i end up cranky n start getting pissed wif evryting (nvr reali gotten angry yet dun plan 2 coz it wud b reali scary)

goin rock bottom

2005-10-20T12:41:00.000+08:00

sometimes when u feel dat life cud not get any worse but i does. well i m experincing dat n the bad prt is it does not seem like it will stop , well last week was gd but on mon it started 2 rain on me den tue was reali bad coz i was having my dinner den guess wat i found a bug in my packet of rice mind u dat bug was big reali big alrite at dat pt of time i was already switched off den wed wich is 2day it juz seems 2 go on n on n i m lately starting 2 feel shitty reali shitty. i m juz so sick of it but hey i reali dun gif a f*** well my sch has some health screening i wan 2 go 4 it c if there is any health problems da can b detected early mayb i can die early so dat i wun live out this stupid shitty life.

POLITICS ARRRRRRRRGHHHH

2005-10-12T14:42:00.000+08:00

damn i hate sitting 4 these kind of meetings we r worlds apart pple get it in ur thick old skulls WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHETHER U WUD LISTEN 2 US COZ U NEVER WILL........ damn u pple reali noe how 2 make us of us damn u pple if u dun wan 2 step up to the plate n take responsibilities den wat makes u tink we wud this is a total load of bull**** to the pple hu r reading this blog let me take u on a little insight on wat goes on behind a church u c in a church the is a priest hu no has vry little politcal power (supposedly) however we noe 4 a fact dat they haf the power of influence so basically yesh they can influence you in making certain decisions however dat is juz nth....... den there is the PPC (Parish Pastorial Counsel) which is made up of certain individuals hu has certain influence or political agenda....... den there is the parishoners hu does not care abt the church all the do is cum on sat/sun mass n den they leave dats all all their concern is i dun go 2 hell 4 not attending mass(yes pple hu r catholic u will go 2 hell if u PURPOSELY miss 1 day of mass) ok as i was saying well 2do i had 2 attend PPC meeting coz they said we haf 2 n i was being nice by giving them face or else i wud haf not even showed my shadow when i went in i say mostly those hu r church regulars in the political scene so i was rufly goin 2 noe wat was the meeting goin 2 b abt (ugly) but hey y do i care so much 4............. but wat reali pissed me off the meeting was dat how they subtly said dat hey youths do sumting i was like so freaking pissed but of coz i had 2 b calm n conduct myself well i had 2 b politically correct so yeh i was being kind by not saying ugly tings i was pissed at how they were directing as 2 say hey youths the church is not doin well go fix it coz u r the 1s hu shud b doin it......... they basically were pushing it reali well pushing responsibilities reali reali well.............. if u dun wan 2 take it den wat makes u tink we will quite pissed u noe........ den they tink o joining the ministry bcoz of frenz of bad (although it is a wrong reason) however i find dat it is still effective dats how other christian churches do it lets face it pple the reason y we r losing pple is not bcoz they lost heart in got but bcoz the catholic church has been vry stiff n franky we haf 2 bend the rules a little (mayb my tinking is radical) but i still find it gd dat we can draw the crowd 1st den educate them rather den not having any1 2 educate if they leave after dat den so b it if they stay on den dats vry successful another ting dat pissed me off was how they expected the youth 2 do stuff i mean i was like reali unhappy abt it......... so wat.......... u tink dat u r the 1s earning the $$ dats y u r bz while us students hu r not making any $$ r not bz haiz

quite pissed indeed

DISCLAIMER* what ever is said her is just the opinion of the author it has no agenda n do desire to cause hurt so if this article has caused any emotional distress or has disturbed any individual hu has read this den kindly leave a messege to the author on the tag board if u wish 4 it to b removed....

untitled 1

2005-10-11T12:00:00.000+08:00

b4 i wanted 2 write this entry i was feeling gd n tot of writing positve things however i did sumting whcih end the end made me dejected again it made me tink y do i always do dat m i still waiting 4 hope when i noe dat there is none left, when i noe my life was juz 2 irritate was dat it m i a parasite dat u juz cant get rid of n when u did u enjoyed dat i was gone.......... i haf a feeling dat i m unwanted the sad truth is i m unwanted by my frens they tink i m an unwanted parasite n when they tink i m useful in irritating other pple they wud use me.......... but its alrite i dun mind 2 b used as dat way at least i noe pple still acknowledge my existance rather den juz totally ignore me......... i m juz a parasite........ neglect........... ALONE............

update

2005-10-05T12:34:00.000+08:00

well as you can c have not reali been myself lately as u c frm my posts well putting dat in the past coz i noe dat i wud not wrk out as much as i wud like 2 salvage it any way moving on you can c a new music video and instead of the lyrics you normally haf seen this time is a poem juz penning my tots feel much better telling sum pple abt wat i m feeling but still cant shake off the feeling. well here is an update to the rez of u hu r interested in wat is happening in my world......... well 2day is the 2nd day of sch....... still settling down getting used 2 this new claz but hopefully can get down settle quickly coz i dun wan it 2 affect my grades well so far so gd the claz seems to b opening up we r slowly getting 2gether some of us were joking about the claz has potential 2 become our old claz but of coz we all haf 2 haf an open mindset but some of us i noe r still reserved n wud wan 2 go bck 2 our old claz well hopefully as time passes our mindset will change.. well nth else new at the moment ......... wil update u all soon stick ard yah

the pain

2005-10-01T07:30:00.000+08:00

izit dat others r hurting me
or m i juz hurting myself
not being 4giving 2 myself
as i haf been 2 pple ard me
haf i been brutal 2 myself
abusing n not letting up
although battered n bruised
juz recovered frm a recent beating
i gif myself another 1
i take the punishment on myself
by myself

o i live such a pathetic little life
a life dat is nth but hurt n despair
but i accept in such as 2 live in the way

physical pain is juz a reminder
emotional pain is the punisher
mental pain is the killer

when i reach the last barrier i fear
coz i fear in the end i wud b left wif nth
but i noe dat wud cum true
4 we came in2 this wrld wif nth
n we leave this wrld wif nth

so all these pain wud continue 2 hurt while i live
but when i die it wud all b gone
at least i can take comfort in dat

death will b my reliever
n my soul wud b the receiver
the body shall b gone
while life shall b reborn

absolute dejectedness

2005-09-30T11:25:00.000+08:00

afew days ago i did someting inconceivable i did sumting dat i felt dat needed 2 be fulfilled i needed 2 search 4 the truth i needed 2 noe if there was any hope as i had suspicions n so i searched 4 the truth n dat truth was vry hurting i now noe n feel at least noe dat i haf a gift dat is scarily true a gift dat wud help me in knowing how 2 lead my life a gift dat i noe dat has 2 b used 4 sumting greater in the future.......... but this truth i was searching 4 was hurting n after searching 4 it i was dejected absolutely dejected i wud make the nesessary tings dat is needed 2 b done soon n i noe now dat i haf a path 2 folow in life a life dat wud b full of hurt n pain but i noe it will b 4 the greater good as i m a strong believer in it....... if i knew wat i was goin 2 find i wud haf never never never haf searched 4 it i wud haf never haf looked 4 it i shud haf juz stayed in my own comfort but all is done n now i noe the path in life i chose now a part of me noes n a part of me is in denial but soon vry soon it will kick in n i tink the onli comfort wud b in sumting dat wud not let me down so now let me b let me juz gif up n stop resisting the greater good.............

it always boils down 2 this

2005-09-24T15:30:00.000+08:00

well will tell u more on wat i mean abt the title i haf given this entry

anyway haf been quite bz this week went 4 camp on mon which i was quite irritated u c......... pple noe dat u r bz but in the end still call u up n ask if u r free on dat day......... i was like errrrr quite irritated i mean i was free on the other weeks y did u not find me den y now when i haf my camp when i m bz............ damn irritating!!!!! ok the camp was fun lah (the nex part wud not make sense 2 u all so dun bother 2 try n understand it) i m terribly sorry 4 the loss if it is a sign of ur will or a sign dat there is a purpose 4 such gifts den show me........ tell me wat r they use 4 i will accept them 4 they were given 2 me by u although unwillingly but still i will accept it so let it b done unto me wat ever u haf planned 4 me

ok thur was a boring day spent the day recuperating (slping) so it was pretty much boring den fri morning woke up early juz 2 go down n play soccer woohooo reali felt great running ard like dat n perspiring like dat it reali felt gd but i realised dat i reali reali need lots of training if i were 2 compete coz i reali m reali reali rusty as sum1 put it o speaking of which dat person is not ard until nex thur so i wud b vry bored haiz sianz anyway moving along bck 2 the the headline

now wat does it always boils down 2????? well it is priesthood yesh yesh its the subj dat many pple has told me not 2 even tink abt it wats wrong wif being a priest??? i dun get it well any went 2 church 2day den had a reali reali reali long sermont frm the priest man i haven had such a long sermont since the days in tampines frm Fr Paul Tay his sermont were reali long but anyway he was mentioning quite afew tings dat had me tinking which reali change my tinking of death but dats not the ting reali struck me............. he mention sumting dat had reali made me ting hard abt it....... he said........... God has made enuf vocations to fill the room but wat isstopping these pple is dat they r afraid......... they r afraid dat they r sacrificing sumting dat they wud b at a disadvantage (chi kui) when he said dat i had reali got me tinking m i like one of those he mentioned??? m i like those hu r afraid??? mayb, most probably

but.......... u c the big BUT......... is dat i reali dun tink i can gif up on seeking a relationship not at this time at least coz i believe now is a rite time coz i m mature enuf i m old enuf i dun haf any tings like studies 2 weigh me down i juz cant 4get it all now can i haiz reali tuf wat do u all tink iz my life juz 2 complicated or m i making tings complicated when it is juz sumting simple..

i reali hope there is sumting greater in life dat can make me push away frm these tots well gd nite u all or gd morning or gd afternoon ai yah wat ever lah

new song!

2005-09-19T09:17:00.000+08:00

yesh if u r a regular reader of this blog u may notice a diff music video evry week well this week wud b special u will haf an eric clapton special so u will enjoy 2 music videos this week by Mr eric clapton wooohooo
OK so 1st up you r watching is tears in heaven a vry fantastic song 1 of my all time favourites in fact i m learning how 2 play the song woo hoo but i tink i will take a long time 2 get it rite its like no ez lor haizzz i will change 2 another song this wed or thur aft i cum back frm my archery camp yesh pple i wun b ard frm 19-21 sept yah but i still can tag me anyway if guyz n gals wud like 2 c any music vids tell me n i can put it up here.........

well here is an update on wat is happening in my life lets start wif the most recent events hmmmmmmm lets c this morning went 2 church n ya dats all nth special....... den yest grrrrr so frustrating quite pissed actually abt yest..... y coz i went 4 my trial test yest den when i send it 4 marking u noe wat it said it said FAILED damn shit i was like wat the F*** how in the world wud u fail dat i mean my score was 43/50 WTF in wat way is 43/50 considered fail damn shit u noe anyway i walked out of the room went downstairs n booked it again nex sat at 10.30am man its so frustrating grrrrrrr 43/50 still cant belief it den fri nth much happen yah well basically dats it ok i gtg pack my stuff cant belief its 6+ n i m still lazing ard i will b in deep shit coz i take 4ever juz 2 find stuff anywya remem 2 tag yah!!

sumting 2 look 4ward 2

2005-09-14T12:21:00.000+08:00

well its been a boring week as usual spend most of my time in front this screen staring at alot of tings seriously i tink i m goin on a information overdrive i haf reading thru tons of stuff like the catholic church, witchcraft etc............ den d/l shattered galaxy started playing the game again which is like reali no choice haha completed my final 2 lesson already yay den wat else hmmmmm o yah i wated 2 book online for my trail test but the ting is dat it onli shows me the schedule for 3 days n when i click the schedule for 7 days it does not wrk i was like wth!! o well my bro is on reservist now so i get 2 c him at home evrynite he has been spending some of his free time wif his girlfriend (hopefully my future in law) haha he seems quite close wif this 1...... reali hope they wud wrk out n get married (den i prob wud haf a peace of mind if i reali want 2 go n become a priest) well the past 2 nites sum1 has been calling me wahahaahhaha so happy abt it anyway she called me up juz 2 tok 2 me abt when can we all go out but den slowly we end up toking abt sumting else n she has been telling me abt her job well glad dat she called coz i was kinda missing her n den poof a call........ yay n sum more she called me for 2 nites haha well dats nice anyway she is goin 4 her claz chalet now so i wun expect her 2 call me anytime soon but i m contented dat she did she made my day or nite

well cyaz real soon, i hope 2 u all hu r reading this

its been a pleasure

2005-09-11T14:19:00.000+08:00

well yesterday had a vry boring afternoon coz reali i did nothing totally nothing juz staring at my screen all day totally unconstructive which is vry bad coz i felt dat the week pass by like eternety anyway been picking up my guitar doin quite well now since i revised wat i haf learnt but still lost alot of wat i learnt kinda 4got haha but anyway learning new songs using the guitar tabs which is quite easy 2 pick up but the bad part is dat it does not tell u abt fingering which can b quite troublesome well rite now learning eric clapton - tears in heaven *sobz* den aft dinner rushed down 2 orchard go n kaypo abit c if can find the rez of the body of the filipino maid .......... ok i noe its not funny so i shall not try any more ok ok seriously i was originally suppose 2 meet 1 of my old buddies, my best fren, the onli fren dat sticks wif me, 4 supper at kovan, punggol nasi lemak but change of plans coz ngee ann city there got lion dance competition so i fly over there n go n c lor manage 2 catch the last 2 teams performing the 3rd team vry wasted coz they fell down twice tsk tsk vry tuf anyway den the last team *woot* they look solid den still got sum more on sat nite (which is over) den aft dat worked our way down 2 mrt there den we saw another of our ex-claz mates (man it reali is a small country) haha ok den went down 2 the link 2wards wisma onli 2 dicover dat its LOCKED damn o well den we went up again den we went 2 supper prob was i did not draw $$ den he had 2 pay 4 me 1st *sobz* so sry abt dude i will pay u bck anyway den went hm aft dat so by the time reach hm was abt hmmmmm i tink 12.30pm (manage 2 catch the last bus i tink) well den 2day sat morning nth much happening den went 4 lunch wif my fam den aft hmmmm o yah went 2 church well 2day i was quite a cheery mood was playing ard wif my students den stayed ard until abt 5 for a meeting regarding the childrens day mass *sweat* anyway i will b doin b/g wrk which is wat i like doin so most likely i will b doin supp wrk n oso an impt task n dat is 2 organise the cast 4 their appearance haha lame i noe but its an impt task den i oso doin sound man which is ez lah den i tink still got other tings lah

*sidenote: i will b definately b changing the music video tml so u guys n gals can check in either tml nite or mon n u will b able 2 c another music video. (open 2 suggestions wat music vids u wud like 2 c)

arrrrrgghhhh

2005-09-10T03:52:00.000+08:00

okay i m gtting quite sick of this music video it is starting 2 get irritating so i might change sumting more tolerable haha anyway this morning was chatting wif my ex clazmate n he was telling me dat we might go bck n play soccer wif the little kiddies wahahahahaha but i so long nvr play liao kinda lost touch i definately need practice if u wan me 2 play soccer again n since now is the holidays i haf plenty of time but i need 2 find pple 2 practice wif me or else wats the point rite??? anyway bored stiff at home later mayb goin out c how lah c whether dat cock returns my call

now picking up my guitar again not as easy now den last time coz i forgotten evryting den now trying 2 do some revision haha but the prob is now 1 is here 2 teach me but nvm i juz got 2 listen out 4 my mistakes o well den be bck soon 2 c wat new music video i put

death

2005-09-09T02:46:00.000+08:00

well wanted 2 do this posting like days ago but was so lazy anyway but this entry is about death

i haf nvr feared of death.......... in fact i wud like 2 die young coz at least i dun haf 2 wry so much wat happens when i m old but heh its not my decision but i watched this show on sun i tink which was quite a touching story i reali teared now i dun do dat while watching a show but i reali was touching which made me tink reali hard on my life n wat i had done............. i dun tink i will b as noble as him but i noe dat i still can sumting similar 2 wat he did n i tink i can start small but reali wat he did reali touched me and den the last part of the show when he died i tot was reali cute n nice n i tink i wud pple 2 do dat which was 2 smile or make a funny face when they c him but of coz i wud alot else besides dat but i felt was reali gd coz at least i noe dat when i go pple will b there 4 me i wun die sad n depressed n most impt lonely i reali hate dat lonliness even now i reali hate dat i haf been alone all my life n i reali dun wan 2 b left alone dat is my greatest fear lonliness.

i m still alive in case u r wondering

2005-09-05T07:27:00.000+08:00

yesh i hear u n yesh i m not dead yet dats a bad ting................. as some of u haf noticed i changed my blog skin again n this skin u c here is done by this guy called khairul n reali i shud thank him 4 creating such reali nice skins reali reali appreciate his wrk n yesh some of u haf seen the music vids i will b changing vids evry week so at least u haf sumting else 2 c bsides my posts (which wun happen vry often) well a little update on my life lets c wat new hmmmmmmmmmm............................................................................................
o dats rite NOTHING totally nth new bored stiff no 1 2 share it wif sobz so much time n love but no 1 2 share it wif haiz sobz

still cant shake off dat i m still single, lonely n oso becoming desparate haiz anyway here is a quote a song dat is quite famous now

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is that i care 2 much
and my scars remind me that my past is real
i tear my heart open juz 2 feel

Poem taken frm my RJ

2005-08-30T13:21:00.000+08:00

here is a poem dat i had written in my RJ which i felt should b put here also

We had nothing when we came to this class
the first day we attended were like tough days
because we our hearts were still not open

The days pass we open up to each other
telling our stories and how we got here
and soon we were a merry family

But there were stormy seas ahead
and pretty soon there were conflicts in interest
eventually the storm would die down and all is calm

In the end what seemed as the beginning
came to an end where it all came to a stop
but what we had left were memories

Although memories will eventually be forgotten
but I still am honoured to know this class
I am honoured to be in their memories
I am honoured to have left them an imprint of me in their lives.

shagged

2005-08-27T02:47:00.000+08:00

2day had a reali tiring day VB its fun lah but in the end damn tiring coz i end up helping pple explaining 2 them den i got to solve the prob myself i was like a 1 man show..... not dat its a bad ting but reali it can get tiring sumtimes....... but i dun understand........ i did not do anyting physical but yet i feel so drained so tired ..... duno y..........

But onto a more impt part is the semester is cuming 2 an end and it wud probably be the last time i wud c sum of u in claz or in sch so i reali tink u shud read this.........
Even though we all onli knew each other for only afew mths it felt like we knew each other for yrs its amazing that we all bonded wif each other so well its reali amazing dat we gel together so well so quickly. At the beginning we made an effort to make friends with everyone in the claz. The days rolled by and we all worked together with each other.... there were ugly times that made us say sum ugly things or do sum tings dat made us ot well liked but in the end we still end up as frens dats the beauty of this claz no matter how, no matter wat we always end up as frens..... We oso remember those clazmates dat left pple like willy hu was reali fun 2 b wif a bubbly personality 2 fit dat bubbly size of his den there is Jeremiah sum1 hu i dun reali noe dat well but yet felt he was a fun guy i pity they did not stay ard 2 b a part of such a dynamic claz i reali appreciate u guys....
When i came to RP i was unsure wat 2 expect coz i tot this claz could not be any better den the claz i had bck in sec sch, though those days bck in sec sch could not b replaced but yet this claz still manage 2 make me not miss my old clazmates so much in fact now i will miss u guys coz u truly haf helped me, made me hu i m........... There are many more tings i wud like 2 say but i shall leave dat 4 my personal messege 2 u guyz........

I WILL MISS U GUYZ AND I SHALL SAY A VERY BIG THANK YOU

spitual understanding

2005-08-24T14:17:00.000+08:00

well i haf been tinking lately abt priesthood again the tot has crossed my mind again n agian n agian but i duno if i can call it the calling to join the priesthood coz i feel dat i m still young n mayb its juz a tot nth more so dats y i m trying 2 put these tots on hold..... but wat reali irritates me is my frens......... coz i put 25 which i find it acceptable age but many of my frens all say its 2 young haiz *rolls eyes* its sort of like a deep tot i haf tot thru this again n agian n so i made up my mind dat by 25 if i still canot find any1 den it is a sign frm God dat i shud b a priest or mayb along dat line coz i m tinking more of becoming a missionary rather den staying in S'pore......... there were many reasons y i m doin this y i haf tot of this y i set such targets n all these r vry personal 2 me juz let u all noe dat no matter wat u say it wud not change my tots........ the onli ting rite now dat wud change frm dat course of mindset

even when i find a gal 4 me i would like her 2 noe where i stand in my faith n dat is i wud not compromise n matter wat...... i can compromise in all other areas except 4 my faith dat is 1 area i would not compromise if there was ever a day i should face such a situation.

YAWNZ

2005-08-23T08:42:00.000+08:00

well did not go 2 sch 2day coz cud not wake up yawnzzz had 2 tell my parents sum other ting coz they wud haf me killed haizz...... i wonder how can i skip on thur hmmmm....... juz 2 let u all noe i m not goin 4 basic sci sianzz leh reali i cmi liao wrk so hard 4 my grades so damn sianzz leh anyway........ 2 more weeks den the semester end n dats where we also say gd bye 2 each coz we r changing classes haizz i wish we dun haf 2 but no choice some f***ed up a**hole tot lets make them go thru all the formalities again haiz sianz leh well at least we still can c each other in sch after all there is mordern technology n oso i got ur msn so we can alays chat wif each other.......

sumting meaningful frm sumwhere unexpected

2005-08-16T01:00:00.000+08:00

had watched a clip in the movie 15 as part of todays assignment there was this 1 part at the end of the clip which i felt reali meaningful. There is no such as friends that last forever, but while we have each other we should cherish them. This is sumting which reali struck me the deepest as i watched it. heh which made me tink do we need 2 try so hard to save a frenship........... if i lose a frenship it does not matter coz i nvr had gd 1s 2 begin wif. so i shud enjoy the 1s dat i haf now coz i noe it will b lost. No pt in saying i will always remem u coz we all noe it is juz an ideal which we all wud like but we noe it will not b dat way. i noe i will 4get u all 1 by 1 dats the truth whether u wud like 2 hear it or not but while we r still frens lets enjoy it 4 we noe this happy tings wun last............ reality is such a distance away frm ideals we all wud like 2 blief in.... my ideals seems meaningless now dat i tink abt it coz reality is dat nobody gives a shit abt me nobody gives a damn but dat does not mean i wud still belief in it coz it is my ideal..... my purpose in living........ Still the emptiness inside of me is still there i still need 2 find sumting 2 fill dat void...........

Emptiness

2005-08-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

My life seems so empty like there is no pupose 2 it suddenly i dun haf any meaning my life is juz empty like there is a hole in my soul. my heart juz feel so empty like there is sumting lacking. SO empty so meaningless. i could juz die n nothing wud b in my mind probably no1 wud care either. y? wat is my purpose. GOD Y M I SENT IN THIS WORLD!!

Deep thought

2005-08-12T14:32:00.000+08:00

well when i was on the bus on my way home today i had this quiet time on my own. Which gave me some space for me 2 do some self-reflections on my life and wat haf i been doin. but when i saw this couple my thought changed 2 relationships..........
i wondered wat has God in store 4 me?? m i goin 2 b single the rest of my life or will gif me a gal the perfect 1 4 me when i m ready i reali haf no idea wat he wans......... at times i longed 2 b loved by sum1....... reali izit dat hard 2 find???? haiz.... at times i reali wonder y i haf such feelings inside me....... i haf been alone 4 all these time now n i haf been alrite but yet y...... y do i haf such feelings...... is there not enuf love in my life?? i dun tink so..... or i wud haf killed myself already............. so y.......... my own mind is stumped heh......
my bro has a new galfren she seems nice, juz dat religion is in the way haiz sadz manz but i can understand y coz even i haf the same tinking but i m worse den him coz i m less compromising when it cums 2 religion prob is will i find sum1 hu can understand dat........ possible but rare my ex is 1 of those hu understands me coz she herself share the same religion. i wonder if the 1 out there 4 me will share the same mindset or will she haf a diff set of believes..........
i another ting dat came 2 my mind was wats my purpose in life....... y m i still living in this world..... y did not kill myself a long time ago y y did i not jump down frm my flat i do not noe y but now i haf an even greater amusement on death.... y is dat..... i no longer fear it...... but i wun do it......... i like death but so much until i will commit 2 it

life so mysterious n complicated when we want it 2 b
but can b simple no matter how we c it
its tuf 2 live life but we sum how will juz carry on
our instinct will push us on even though we dun wan 2
strange u noe sum how we r forced 2 do tings we dun wan 2

Prayer:
My Lord God I truly thank you for all the kind deeds and acts you have done fo me and my friends no words can show how much you have done for me espcially \. It is because of you i am where i am it is because of you i have what i have.
My Lord my Lord i pray that you help my bro find his happiness even if she is not the one, i hope you will help him find someone he may finally settle down with. I pray for my parents for eventhough they don't show it but i still know there are a few problems in our family i pray that we will get through these. I pray that my friends will find what they are searching for, may you inspire them just as you have inspired me to carry on with live even in darkest times. I pray to you they keep those who do your work safe for they will need your protection. I pray for the people in this world for they will understand the true meaning of faith, for they truely are the ones that are lost and need your guidance. I pray for my charges in cathecism class for they will find what is in their hearts.

NEW

2005-08-09T14:51:00.000+08:00

ok so i changed the skin of the place coz i it needed a change once again i went 4 sumting simple but this time more dark coz it hurts the eyes if its bright so do stay tuned for more interesting tings here........ anyway just 2 let u guys no i recent had this inspiration 2 write this story so i most likely wud not b updating my blogs dat often......... in fact it shud b collecting dust........ but either way do cum bck 2 my blogs n look hu noes mayb i will change skins again...... yes i mayb dat bo liao

stressing out

2005-08-04T14:32:00.000+08:00

Damn i tink i m either losing my mind or starting to reali get highly irritated abt alot of tings i feel dat i might lose my temper anytime n any minute all my rage and anger is still being pent up, all this hile i had keep my cool and had hardly lost my temper but now i feel as though........ i nvr felt so much anger so much fury, i fear of wat i might do, i fear of the things dat i would no control over......... probably the stress but i nvr felt stress in my life or mayb the stress dat u all describe coz i lead a pretty ez life not much of a care but here....... yet pple tink i m bo chap.... immature heh...... reali do u reali tink so den may i say dat it is a vry sad ting......... although our ages vary not dat much however we lead vry diff lives i however was forced 2 grow up, i was forced 2 run b4 i could barely walk....... when i was in pri sch i was expected 2 listen 2 the adults tok..... when in sec sch i was 2 haf an adult conversation, where we wud tok abt politics, politics n more politics, some ting which now i m starting 2 despise anger is all dat i feel, rage i fear is what sum1 would face, i juz hope dat it wud juz b me against myself.......................

insanity

2005-08-03T12:52:00.000+08:00

my head tells me tings dat i dun understand
the voices there tell me tings i do not want to hear
they speak of untinkable thoughts n make me fear
my trust i logic has left n made me
sum how i feel as if the burden has been shifted on me
i feel as if i have great weight on me
weight dat is hindering me to reach the heights which i wish to reach
i juz wish............ my life wud b simple
evryday i tink of thinks dat hurt my brain
each time i tink my skull juz screams to b left alone
but i cant.... i muz i muz continue to move on.............

"bumpy" bus ride

2005-08-02T11:31:00.000+08:00

well here is where i post my reflections so if u r asking me y i haf 2 well there r somtings i dun wan 2 put it there so i put it here coz the other 1 alot of pple can c it here is where i can put more "intimate" stuff.

well 2day i was on my way bck on the bus well...... it was particularly crowded but hey i haf no prob sleeping so i slept like a log until these grp of malays came up the bus they were like sooooo freakin noisy they woke me up frm my slp so dat was vry bad they sat behind me sum more constantly making alot of noise n i was like quite pissed already dat they woke my up but now there were keeping me frm sleeping lor i was like WTF den they were kicking the chair which was not vry helpful so i was vry pissed already.... luckily there was a gd air-con 2 cool me down or else i wud seriously pick a fight wif them i was in a reali foul mood lor...... so damn pissed i dun haf any prob wif much tings u c coz i can tolerate alot of tings but sumtimes selfish acts can reali make sum1 reali foul which slowly made did a self reflection dat whether was i like dat wif my frens when i was out n i tot hard..... well yes 2 a certain extent as i saw myself in them coz at times when we r wif frens we tend 2 b reali noisy n may disturb other pple but i guess aft awhile i tend 2 simmer down, i know when 2 quieten down so i guess i m not so bad.......... i guess wud b the wrd but hey do not do unto others if u do not wan them to do unto u so well yeah here is my appeal..... i m not saying u shud not totally not make a sound but at least do it wif moderation

in fact watever u do u muz do it wif moderation so yea u eat muz do it wif moderation u make noise muz do it wif moderation u boss pple ard muz do it wif moderation u take a pee oso muz do it wif moderation u f**k muz oso do it wif moderation so remem pple 2 do it wif moderation ok?.............

2005-08-02T01:51:00.000+08:00

ok my 2nd blog is done so u guys n gals can go n haf a look at it (more tings 2 look at haha)
here is the link if u canot find it http://sinfulinnocence.blogspot.com/

losing steam

2005-07-30T13:20:00.000+08:00

haizz losing the descipline 2 type here liao.......... starting 2 lose steam in keeping this blog alive haha but anyway 2day hmmmmm well wat can i say but a day of coincidence saw her in the morning while having breakfast den saw her again on my way bck hmmmmm but anyway still tinking on wat 2 do not reali sure though......... well here is an update on wat happened btween us......

We had a "tok" (she wrote a letter) to clearify some things well dats abt it the reason y she said those things dat day was so dat she dun wan me 2 wait 4 her coz she said she wun b ready anytime soon. Like anytime in the nex 2 yrs...... duno abt dat lah...... but anyway i asked her whether if she has any feelings 4 me so dat at least if i wanted 4 wait 4 her den it wun b in vain (i got security issues ok .........) but anyway not sure wat 2 do now but glad dat we cleared tings up

so i guess i will b living life each dat den not sure whether i will wan 2 make any decisions anytime now...... its not like there is sum1 else out there dat is interested in me..... o well den i guess this will b the end

cyaz pple

OK

2005-07-27T13:08:00.000+08:00

Seriously i m alrite now OK!!! if u pple keep asking me dat same ques over n over again i soon wun b infact i will b pissed off alrite........... ok

Now dat is said here is an update so dat u pple might not wan 2 ask me the same tings again ok......... i m fine now juz once in awhile will feel bad i rebound pretty quickly so dun wry abt me alrite..... haiz....... i noe u all r worried but dun need 2 b alrite........ this is my own personal ting 2 overcome ok.........

Hmmmm well monday went 2 Fish n Co near park mall there 2 celebrate FS return home 2 s'pore well did not reali haf much chance 2 tok 2 her as she was hogged by the rez of the claz but nvm still will haf the chance 2 tok 2 her the nex few weeks b4 she returns bck there. Managed 2 catch up wif quite afew pple n their lives... quite nice 2 c them again..... after all we haf been 2gether as a claz 4 afew yrs but it hhas led me tinking again.......... but i wll leave it some other time as it is sumting not reali appropriate 2gether with the rest of this blog........

Tml haha looking 4ward 2 it as i will b goin marina wif some of the other clazmates they asking me 2 help them bbq haha hope i haf enuf $$$ haiz getting broke keep goin out like this haizzz damn o well......... cyaz again soon........

2005-07-24T02:55:00.000+08:00

My mind juz seems like it in a whirl
last nite it felt like a dream...
i juz wish it wud stop spinning
those wrds juz keeps repeating
lost...... lost.......... i m so lost.......
i cant slp 4 fear of dreaming of it
i fear dat it will replay again n again

i keep telling myself not 2 weep
but no matter how i juz wish i did
my mind lost wif so many things to comprehend
now it is having a headache
lost not knowing where to go frm here
i felt as if my life is repeating itself

m i goin 2 b single 4 the rest of my life
m i goin 2 fulfil what i said
is God reali asking me 2 b a priest

O Lord do not put me thru such hurt
i noe life is never easy but..........
this is a hurt i canot bear
i wish i had'nt fallen 4 any1 if i could
but feelings...................

life so difficult............. heart so hurt......
soul so weak........... mind so lost..........

how tings rapidly change

2005-07-23T15:07:00.000+08:00

1 week is all it took. Juz 1 week u may tink how much can it change............. well alot........ i m writing this entry slightly teary well quite tired abt having this feeling but i guess i shud haf seen this cuming but i was juz 2 blind n also mayb 2 intent in believing wat i wan 2 believe n not seeing wat was infront of me.......... Today we celebrated ah ma's b'day eventhough it is a happy occasion it still was over shadowed the events dat took place later. I sent the girl (we all shoul know hu it is by now) home well den we were on the mrt i tink we were 1 more stop b4 we shud alight (i was pcking my stuff n i was fumbling wif my book) den she took my book n she said she wanted 2 tell me sumting so i listened well not the ting i wanted 2 hear esp frm her......... she told me this "i m not looking 4 a stead n so i tink u shud jio(find) other girls" so i was there quite devastated but i tried 2 look calm n tried 2 reassure her i m fine by telling her hey we still can b gd frens rite........ now frankly i got no mood to write this entry but i haf 2 let out sum where n even as i tearing away i m still lost not sure wat 2 do............ all i wan is 2 probably do rite now is carry a fools hope but i noe dat wud b impossible...................

DAMN!

2005-07-20T12:50:00.000+08:00

well i guess i haf done all dat i haf done..... some how i dun feel depressed...... sad but not reali severely hurt just my pride i guess but reali i felt more relieved den depressed. In case u still haf no idea wat m i toking abt well i asked her (the gal i liked n haf been toking abt all this while) if she wans 2 hmmmmm yah u noe (duno how 2 put it well i tink u all can guess lah ah) well anywayz she said she is nt ready 4 a relationship (kinda like deja vu where haf i heard dat b4) hmmmm anyway well i respect her decision(haf 2 wat much of a choice do i haf) but i some how a felt a certain air of uncertainty slowly blowing away though it is still there......... but anyway sort of relieved dat this ques will not loom in my mind.... my free space 2 do other stuff ....... hmmmmmm *plotting*...................

OK! den still wif me?? gd! i haf been posting almost evryday now 4 the past 3 days?? feeling vry slpy been doin wrk den more wrk n wrk like a slave n wrk haha well still got 2 do rj which i reali dun feel like writing b4 i can go n haf a meeting wif the ZZZ monster damn i wish it wud b earlier...... anyway eh..... hmmmm duno wat 2 write liao...... rite now juz struggling 2 keep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........................................

Rattlingssss.....

2005-07-18T22:15:00.000+08:00

If i were gone 1 day wud it stop 2 mourn 4 a loss 4 a life?
Wud pple read the orbituary n say this was a gd man?
Will tears of sadness b shed 4 me?
Coz all i feel is coldness.
All i c is bitterness
n the onli ting left i noe is pain.....

Many days later............

2005-07-18T13:00:00.000+08:00

yesh its quite a fews days now since i updated my blog abt 1 week if u r calculating n no i m not dead just tired and hardly any time 2 do this haizzzz......

well had quite an eventful week............. Benjie n Viory r officially a couple which makes me errrr......... well heh some of u shud noe my feelings 2 any1 of them ps hor if u wan 2 show ur affections wif each other can do it in a more discreet manner or place coz eh...... pple will feel uncomfortable u noe.......... well got pissed of on thurs.......... damned pissed........ its not often u c me pissed so some of u can imagine how bad it is lah......... well i guess its an accumulation of all the stress i haf been getting lately. Had 2 do cat claz on my own plan lessons, conduct it den got 2 keep them in control......... n i m doin a 1 man show n u noe wats the best part i plan lessons w/o my tching manual..... haiz..... its tuf ok......... den haf to plan 4 the sports day 4 pri 4-6 kinda get pissed off once in awhile when pple dun show up there is a meeting den oso haf 2 do alot of crap coz no1 is willing 2 do it..... but hu m i 2 complain coz we r all in it 2gether so well dats not 2 bad but den most of the stress cums frm sch......... haiz got a team mate hu is totally clueless on wat 2 do..... but dats not the best bit........ she does not even bother abt it............ i mean if it were individual wrk den i realy dun gif a damn but my marks is oso partly in her hands so if she does not do anything means sum else got 2 do it n nobody likes 2 do extra wrk......... i reali need 2 time off..........

Sat went 2 watch a movie wif my bro n my God-sisters (yes they r real God-sisters not those u anyhow make up 1) we watched Fantastic 4 which was alrite lah...... wud haf been better if we watched it on a weekday......(more worth it) anyway by the time the show ended it was abt 12+ at nite so den we called another of our cousins down hu picked us up n went 2 tampines blk 200+ cant exactly remember where though so long nvr go there liao kinda miss the place hopefully got more opportunites nex time if i n a certain sum1 gets 2gether........

Speaking on dat subj well 2day i sort of asked her abt it well den she sort of posted 1 of comments bck 2 me......... sumting which i blief is true......... but r we reali moving 2 fast....... n when will the time b rite.... now? soon? 4ever? never? i guess we shud still do more soul searching (or i shud do more soul searching) is my frens getting 2gether sort of putting pressure on me n making tings faster? possibly well...... kinda screwed up abt it........ i guess the best ting i can do is juz sleep on it.......

Mayb i m juz overly sensitive dats all haizz but sum how i juz keep tinking my past mistakes will cum n haunt me.......... i juz hope n pray they won't but sometimes it juz hurts tinking abt it..... wil it happen again........ is it bcoz of dats y its hindering me? haizz.....

rite now the onli ting i can do is take each step at a time i guess......... live each day as it cums by...... i hope i will haf another sweet dream.......... how miserly little they haf bcome....... they used 2 b evrynite now scary dreams is all i haf lately.............. n prayers......... sumtimes i lose my faith but sum how i will find my way bck i noe i will...............

Pics

2005-07-11T07:59:00.000+08:00

EH??

2005-07-10T01:13:00.000+08:00

Hmmmmm i noe i shud not b doin this now coz i m suppose 2 plan 4 a lesson later but unfortunately my mind is drawing a blank and i do not noe wat 2 do. mayb i will let them haf a day of fun and relax hahaha duno lah anyway trying to find inspiration but still no luck.... o well.....

Well on yesterday......... had enterprise went rather well was quite frustrated finding resources coz it was not an ez topic to find on reali not ez we were struggling 2 finish it until the vry end so phew went it was done den aft dat we went to orchard 1st went to cine kbox found 2 b quite ex so went 2 party world tot it wud b cheaper so in the end found both 2 b abt the same haha but ok lah realli had a great time mike was his usual self den andy too was quite happening haha den mabel was picking multiple songs frm the same artist wah den had 2 listen again n again n again frm the same singer haha den jolene did not wan 2 sing into the mic but she sang quite well den there was connie she was WAH!!!!!!! can b kbox queen sia sing damn well sia den we were like WOW......... absolutely amazed man sing sang fantastic sia i m sure sum1 was damn pleased wif himself haha haizzzz when wil dat person take the 1st step haizzzzz haha well den i left them halfway n went across the street 2 cine to c ZhenLing n wish her happie b'day n c some of our ex clazmates reali brought bck some memories reali happie 2 c them there then took pics wif some of the gals can c some of them reali happi 2 c me haha which is no surprise coz i m so shuai wahahahahaha (no lah i admit i m not gd looking haha) coz so long nvr c me mah all miss each other 5N1 times were reali quite fun 5 yrs 2gether was reali great haha den in aft dat went home manage 2 catch abit of shaman king den aft went 2 party wif the ZZZ monster but had quite a puzzling dream reali strange not reali sure wat it means but i shud b wat i m feeling rite now i reali wonder wat it means.................

stick ard n come bck soon 2 c more of my life put on public.......... i tink i will b doin more reflective blogs soon coz i feel like it...........

ENRAGED!

2005-07-08T12:21:00.000+08:00

This is truely atrocious such acts is despicable...... no they are worst then that these acts are purely for their own selfish reasons these bombings and killings from these terrorist groups are truely unforgivable they shall not b forgiven for what they have done i for 1 will not tolerate such acts and will agree that they should be punished for it. Their reasons for such bombings? to breakdown nations? to stop democracy? to punish people? to make the world a place so that they can control? Y? tell me is that the way? should we stop something that alot of people died for with more violence? more bloodshed? Is it not enough that people are suffering because they feel that democracy is not something they agree with? Is violence they answer? must people suffer to make statements? Is pride more important then peoples lives? how is it that people are blinded by their own selfishness? Is it not enough?

I sincerely hope that whatever actions that the retaliation would not have violence or any bloodshed because that is not the way even though they did provoke, i do however believe that we should continue so that more blood will be spilled.However that seems highly doubtful in this mordern day and age where violence seems to be a daily common occurance. It disgusts me that people will kill each other just because of pride, ideologies, and show who is the big bosses. Have we not learnt our past or are they just incidents that are merely just fairytales? Have we not learnt anything at all? Are we so quick to forget all the suffering that occured? All i can do here is just to pray to my Lord whom i put my faith in. I pray that he may be merciful and let us not slip into our past mistakes again. I pray that the Lord will save those that were lost. I pray that we our lives here will not incur such acts for i a lowly servant of the Lord will not tolerate it and i will not be merciful to them if i were to see them.

frEE?

2005-07-08T08:42:00.000+08:00

Well taking this time to do my blog which i haven done in a long time which is reali unaccaptable but cant be helped coz i reali dun haf the time now listening to this reali deep and emotional song which i find it reali cool n reflective by our lady peace which happens 2 b a reali cool band great haha ok enuf of dat well i tink my laife now could'nt b better reali happy abt it get my life bck on track, made my feelings known to her but now its up to her whether she wants to accept it, wel i m keeping my hopes up coz she has errrrr.... haha lost 4 wrds but i noe wat i mean mon was reali happy coz i spent almost half the day wif her, den on tue saw her bad she was not reali feeling well, wed she did not cum 4 archery coz she still did not feel gd den i wanted 2 accompany her hm but she said den wan n left w/o me alone........... so sad den 2day she sick did not cum 2 sch sobz well still asked she was 2day she is better n even went out wif her mom 2 orchard haha so shud b able 2 hear frm her tml hmmmmm tml i wonder.......

phew n the week passed

2005-07-04T14:06:00.000+08:00

well haf had an eventful week i haf been so bz dat i even dun haf the time 2 update my blog the most tiring was tue. dats when i had sch den aft i had archery den in the evening had a meeting in church regarding the sports day phew by the time it ended was 10pm den went home had dinner den K.O i slept reali well. den wed went off w/o a hitch had sch den archery except 4 thur though had errrm bad half day well the gal i liked n i were chatting on msn den 1 ting let 2 another n in the end i told her dat i liked her well obviously she reacted well like nth so i i was depressed coz i tink i was expecting 2 much another ting was dat i guess it was not reali the place 2 do it n oso the way it was presented was not rite. so i guess in the i onli haf myself 2 blame sobz... well fri was quite eventful, had my catechist meeting nearly had a cat fight goin on REALI catechist supposedly the holy ones the most understanding ones whoa u shud haf seen it the grown female adults nearly went at each other's throats if it were'nt 4 the priest there i tink the would haf went at it reali whoa, den we also learnt dat our head catechist had resigned quite sad reali well i can onli wish her all the best and say dat she had done a great job.

well...... its time 4 me 2 sleep...... dun expect me 2 update this blog often..... unless i haf boring faci........ which reminds me 2 finish up dat petition.............

TIRED

2005-06-30T13:00:00.000+08:00

Damn tired 2day this morning could hardly wake up i reali had 2 drag myself out of be this morn den when i got 2 sch i had face yet another day wif the claz most useless member a freeloader i reali dun like her guess wat she has been doin the whole day well i will tell u she was watching a show on her laptop dat does not annoy wat annoys me was dat the fact she did not even bother asking anyting 2 help out or even offer any help . i was quite moody in claz 2day coz i was quite shag frm the day b4 had sch den aft dat had archery training den aft dat had church meeting by the time i reached home was abt 10+ den had dinner by the end i was so shag i could hrdly open my eyes yawnzz now i still feel sleepy mayb i will sleep aft doing this blog well nthing much 2 say juz gd nite ......

n do drop by n visit me again...............

drEAmz

2005-06-28T13:06:00.000+08:00

lately i haf been having rathr disturbing dreamz not reali nightmares but rather dreamz dat r rather hmmmm how shud i say rather leaves me unsettled now i noe dreams r juz dreams but sum how a rather my dreams dun seem 2 b juz dat they sum how reflect my feelings or even a message on how tings r goin 2 happen or turn out. well u may say its rubbish but at least i noe its true n dats enuf dun need 2 justify myself coz its personal, n these dreams r most of the time accurately true, n if its true den i m vry worried abt it happening heh it scaring me n now i m scared 2 slp 4 fear of getting the same dream coz if i do get it again den reali i m more sared den ever haiz well on a side note is it me or m i getting darker o well does not reali matter i guess juz leave this paranoid fool in his paranoid delusion. hopefully its juz a dream nth more n all these worrying is 4 naught.

Cheers n gd nite while i drink into the nite...................

Drooopy day

2005-06-27T13:29:00.000+08:00

1st of all let me say happie b'day 2 the twins Mike n Haz!!!! yay!!!

ok on with my blog well 2day went 2 sentosa 2 celebrate the twins b'day well they r not realli twins lah they juz happen 2 share the same b'day haha well went 2 sentosa 2 do beach bumming well so i tot. haiz went we got there the sky was like threatening they were like goin 2 rain but dun wan 2 rain o well den i oso tot go there can at least get abit of a tan 2 even out my skin tan well like i said not much of a tan but the sun did manage 2 cum out periodically but still not much of a tan oso when we were there we say a couple hu were there f*cking in the water WTF i was like -_-" wat a place 2 do it haha well den had a gd swim there, i realised dat i haven been swiming 4 a extremely long time n i guess i shud go swim soon or i will lose touch. o ya the seawater was like f*cking salty man bleh haha den on my way i was smsing her started toking abt anal sex den in the end we ended up toking abt disciplining children (dun ask me how we did dat haha) den juz now when i was at i wanted 2 watch channel 8 but my dad wanted 2 watch spider-man fair enuf but wat pissed me off was the way he did it he said "this show show b4 wat" which was total bullsh*t coz it was the TV premier den he said o nvm i tape it down den WTF if u wanted 2 watch spiderman den say lah dun gif me this kind of crap. den later when i was watching TV i left my laptop on n my blog was hardly done den he came n ji siao abit click this click dat den luckily nth happen but i m damn pissed off now damn f*cked up lor i wanted 2 juz shout at him n say leave my laptop alone i even gave him the expression not 2 touch my laptop again dan f*cked up lor now listening 2 songs blasting my songs 2 calm myself down b4 i start hurting myself again n oso charging my mp3 player coz when i was on the train when i tried 2 turn it on it juz wun den aft awhile i realise it was not spoilt but no batt haha damn silly of me well dats all frm me 2day i m sure tml i will haf plentiful 2 say coz its the start of sch again yay! cant wait 2 c my claz again miss them so much!

o yah do drop me a line in my tagboard or juz say hi!

YAWN

2005-06-26T15:41:00.000+08:00

yawnzz it like wat 12.30am n i m doing my blog y bcoz of afew reasons 1 of them is to chat wif her another is 2 waste time so dat i could chat wif her another is 2 juz update my blog which i haven done in awhile coz well nth much 2 write abt. well lets c wat i haf been doin the past 2 days hmmmmmmm nth! absolutely nth juz a sad pathetic loser staring in front of the screen all day doing nth how much of a loser can dat b. haiz well juz 2 update u guyz on the situation on how i will take tings wif her....... well i decided after much deliberation to take tings slow well i tot hard on wat some of u guyz said n well i decided 2 listen 2 them. i will take my time get 2 noe more abt her so i guess dats it. u wun c much action going on between us so yup

well update u guyz on more on my real soon hopefully tml

when will the torment end

2005-06-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

haiz 2day went out go bowling haiz so jia lat normally i dun bowl this bad but 2day bowl exceptionaly bad haha actually me any how bowl 1 did not actually do wat i suppose 2 do haha normalli avg abt 80+,90 but 2day longkang ball alot so onli end up onli 20+,30 haha any way i m still tormented by her................. duno whether i shud approach her now or juz take my time haiz.......... seriously this is tuff haiz sumtimes i wish life is just laid out 4 u w/o tinking haha but where wud the fun b in dat, we wud not learn anyting in the end haha lamez i noe but i cant help it. hmmm but seriously i dun noe whether shud i tell her soon or juz wait haiz 2 my RP @rchery mates hu found this blog yesh i admit i like her its no secret dat i do. haiz the prob now is evrytime i try to get close 2 her i always end up restraining myself haiz y do dat o well evrytime i c her its like........ haiz she noes i like her coz its dat obvious but yet i hold bck she does not reject some of my advances but yet in the end when it comes 2 the major moves i hold bck y ..... haiz den 2 day while walking in citylink we dian dian each other haha but its nth i always dian pple there haha but i reali duno wat 2 do mayb i reali shud find som quiet time 2 tink abt it

while stay wif me in the cum days to find out abt my ans........

how pathetic n boring can my life get

2005-06-23T09:05:00.000+08:00

sometime i realli wonder why is my life so boring?? is it becoz i dun haf a life or is my circle of frens so limited haiz i reali wonder y could i haf been any diff?? i dun tink so afterall i m a totally diff person den i was 5 yrs ago but wat haf i done wrong wat could haf i done diff dat would make my life change den the way it was haiz i reali got stop being by myself coz i will turn psychotic. i need 2 find myself a galfren haaha i guess i did but i dare not ask her. all the courage in the world canot prepare u for wat happens aft dat i haf faced rejection but i nvr been in a position 2 reject haha i guess no 1 will fancy me dats y i m tinking whether i shud approach her in the 1st place haiz i guess i will die alone wif my sad pathetic self dear lord i wish sumtimes u wuld tell me wad 2 do wat shud i do how 2 do it haiz..........................................

Yesh i got a blog

2005-06-22T08:55:00.000+08:00

I started blogging again since a qould like 2 tell evry1 about the events in my life so here it is..... well 2day 21 june nth much happening coz i was at hm slacking. can't go out coz i m kinda grounded parents complaining dat i go out 2 much liao haiz so wat 2 do. not much planned 4 the rest of the week execpt 2 go n register to get claz 2 licence haiz duno when i will get off my ass n start 2 do it hopefully tings will get more interesting as the week progresses. SO STAY TUNED 2 DAYS OF MY LIFE......................